The Czar took pen to parchment, and thought it worthwhile to write an angry open letter to the Guardian Council of Iran. And because it is the Czar’s way (specifically, to show off), he did it as a poem.

So read up and learn, oppressors of Iran. Because we know who really won the election, and why you are so terrified to admit the truth. And our dear readers, who know how to decode hidden Gormogon messages, will know too.

Vile thugs of Persia, know your time has come;
A drumbeat muffled, thumping what you all
Learned: rule of law must now beat rule of thumb.
Keep tapping out the beat of freedom’s call.

Indeed, one hopes you’ll learn this all today,
Learn something useful before it is too late;
Mass protests, rallies—righteous in their way,
End badly when you mullahs hold their fate.

Recount, rebuild, reform: keep pushing through;
We learned that small can best the very tough.
Our past—so far to us, so near to you:
Now ancient Persia bends: she’s had enough.

Iran will learn where all the votes have gone.
The wise Gormogons know who really won.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.