An Offense of Marriage Act
Oh no! President Obama has angered more of his supporters by failing to use the enormous powers of the US government to force legalization of gay marriage. Evidently, candidate Obama made some promise that he would repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, but now President Obama says he basically does not have time for bull poopie like this.
See, the Czar has a solution. The LGBT community made a serious error by demanding he live up to a promise. Ordering the President to live up to your expectations is as useless as, well, ordering the Mandarin to show a bit of charity. You can bet the three words no, chance, and jackass will shortly appear.
Instead, the LGBT folks should simply have requested that the President…
(a) Appoint a Gay Czar*
(b) Hold a townhall meeting to drive home the seriousness of the issues for the common man
(c) Declare the United States as one of the largest gay nations in the world
(d) State that marriage is “Too gay to fail,” and send out $9 billion in aid
(e) Unionize
(f) Assure the public that the US government has no interest in running the LGBT community
(g) Appoint a Czar to ensure the rights of states are trivialized
Pretty sure history will back up this business plan.
*Quiet, ‘Puter. Everybody hears you snickering.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.