Mike Stouffer, sometimes cook, tattoo artist, and baseball card collector, wrote President Obama a letter.

And—better get ready for this—the President wrote back.

Seriously, it’s true! OMG!

Stouffer reports “I am humbled by the whole experience. I never thought my writings meant anything. I pick away on a keyboard with two fingers…If I can inspire the president, I can keep trying to inspire these teens and putting their feet in the right direction.”

In addition, the power of the letter has cured Stouffer’s hard-of-hearing uncle, and healed several AP copy writers of their drug problems. A pig in a nearby town has cleaned itself of leprosy, and unconfirmed reports are coming in that several teenagers have agreed to turn their lives around and treat part-time cooks with a little more respect when they order pancakes.

Evidently, the power of the letter is so great that absolutely nothing else could be mistaken for news today. It is conceivable that some event tomorrow may be so earth-shattering that perhaps it could overshadow this momentous day.

Get a grip, people. The Czar’s son wrote The Dalai ‘Bama a letter as part of a kindergarten assignment, and all he got back was a form letter thanking the boy for voting for him. Where’s your Moses now?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.