And should never, ever, in a million years be head of the Civil Division of the United State Department of Justice?
This guy, one Tony Ward.
Why? Mr. Ward was the defense attorney for The American Taliban, John Walker Lindh. Bad enough curriculum vitae for such an appointment without this: Mr. Ward continues to defend Lindh in public forums even today.
‘Puter understands that attorneys sometimes represent unsavory clients, and in so doing benefit our entire system. This is not a call to boot Mr. Ward out of the legal profession. It is a call to question his fitness to impartially represent the interests of the United States.
Supporters of Mr. Ward’s nomination should ask themselves how they would feel if a President G.W. Bush had nominated an attorney who represented Klansmen accused of racially motivated murders to the same post.
The analogy is apt, no matter how much you wish it were not.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.