Harold Meyerson of the Washington Post and Maureen Dowd of the failing New York Times (or is it now the Aztlan Times?) both are reliably good for a laugh, and not in a good way.
Mr. Meyerson in this column states emphatically that President Obama’s address is the death knell for both the Reagan and the Bush eras. Oh, and in case you missed it, President Obama is Jesus. Seriously. Not only is President Obama the “word … made flesh,” [ed — John 1:14] President Obama also preached that the “‘last shall be first'” [ed — Matthew 20:16]. ‘Puter’s intrigued that suddenly it’s OK (according to Democrats) for Americans including Mr. Meyerson to find Messianic religious significance in our politics, so long as the purported Messiah is a Democrat favorite. If this is to be the sort of insightful analysis that will be offered by our “independent” press during the Obama Administration (President Obama = Jesus, so cease all criticism of The One), ‘Puter fears for the health of our Republic generally, and for the mental health of Mr. Meyerson specifically.
Ms. Dowd, after rambling about The Day the Earth Stood Still, incoherently babbles about the Inauguration, including President Bush’s departure from Washington, seeing Beyonce and Jay-Z looking on proudly, the oath butchery, Rastafarians and public euphoria. All she left out was the requisite quasi-biblical “the lion shall lay down with the lamb” language[popular misquote of Isaiah 11:6], and she’d be right up there with Mr. Meyerson’s moonbattery.
‘Puter looks forward to commentary on the Obama Administration that does not depend upon Bush bashing as its primary support. Unfortunately for Ms. Dowd and Mr. Meyerson’s argument style, they will not have George W. Bush to blame anymore, and will have to rely on that most difficult of concepts: logical coherence.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.