‘Puter was fuming after writing checks for his fourth quarter 2008 estimated taxes to both Washington and Albany (jack-monkey pickle smugglers) so that they may continue their giveaways to favored groups of which ‘Puter is not a member. In the course of figuring his liability, ‘Puter took the opportunity to review his most recent pay stub.
‘Puter made the stunning realization (to him) that he’s paying income tax on his OASDI and Medicare “withholdings.” And by “withholdings” he means money he never receives and never has any discretion as to how it is spent. Sweet! ‘Puter’s being taxed on income that isn’t income by any definition, except that of those jack-monkey pickle smugglers in the aforementioned governments, whose opinions (unfortunately) are the only ones that count.
After fuming for a while, ‘Puter came to a new realization. Not only is he being taxed on phantom income, he’ll be paying tax on the benefits that he’s arguably “purchasing” now when (if) he starts receiving his OASDI and Medicare payments. The gubbamint’s taxing on both ends. Again, sweet!
‘Puter’s 401k is only taxed when withdrawals are made. If ‘Puter had a Roth IRA, there’s no tax paid on withdrawal because it’s only funded with after-tax dollars. See, gubbamint? You know how to do it when taxpayers are paying attention. Tax income ONCE only.
‘Puter knows that many readers are far brighter than ‘Puter and years ago realized this double taxation occurs. But it’s news to ‘Puter, and now ‘Puter’s irked! ‘Puter’s certain that President Elect Obama will remedy the inherent unfairness in the tax code. After all, it’s change we can believe in.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.