What They Said
The New York Post‘s op-ed folks are en fuego today.
First, enjoy one George Marlin’s thoughts on how Tom DiNapoli, the New York Comptroller (solely responsible for the $150 billion state pension funds) maintained over 25% of that money in hedge funds, even after Bear Stearns’ collapse. As a result of DiNapoli’s mismanagement, the pension funds’ holdings dropped 20% from April 1 through September 30. Mind you, this doesn’t cover the worst of the hammering, which started in earnest in October. And DiNapoli has refused to require greater funding contributions from municipalities to make of the shortfall until at least 2010, conveniently right before he’s up for reelection.
Second, John Avalon opines that Governor Paterson should pick a fiscally conservative, socially moderate Democrat to replace Senator Clinton as she moves on (pending confirmation) to Secretary of State. Avalon then suggests Tom Suozzi. Great pick, great leader. ‘Puter’s only criticism is that Suozzi is needed at the state level to control spending an knock heads. He’s shown himself to be one of two Democrats (Paterson’s the other) to at least discuss the impending bankruptcy of New York.
Heck, if Marlin’s piece is correct, New York may already be insolvent. ‘Puter for one would recognize appointment of a federal financial control board for the state, much like NYC had in the 1970s.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.