Here’s a picture of ‘Puter on a recent trip to Ralph Wilson Stadium located in Orchard Park, near the world-renowned tourist mecca of Buffalo, New York.
‘Puter and his hausfrau were trying to enjoy themselves some Western New York football. After four hours of pregame 12 ounce curls and one quarter of slugging down stadium pints of Genesee Cream Ale, Mrs. ‘Puter had to use the ladies’ room. Imagine ‘Puter’s surprise when Mrs. ‘Puter comes back and tells ‘Puter this story.
Upstate ladies is the classiest.
*’Puter made up the part about ‘Puter being at the game. But Mrs. ‘Puter does enjoy tossing back the Green Death. And the guy in the picture is actually ‘Puter’s better looking stunt double.
** The story’s lifted from Deadspin, which you should visit religiously. Even thought they don’t know it’s actually Ralph Wilson Stadium now, not Rich Stadium. But Deadspin is correct that it is the sexiest place on earth, if you like pasty, angry white women swathed in 15 layers of winter clothes, drunker than you’ve been on your worst night, and whose cursing would make Satan hisself blush.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.