‘Puter is not for gay marriage. There. He’s said it. But ‘Puter also thinks gay marriage is likely coming to a state near you, regardless. ‘Puter will be against gay marriage when permitted in Upstate (probably soon), but will tolerate it much more easily if it comes through elected officials rather than through the courts.
The pro-gay marriage advocates (especially the gay community itself) have no one to blame for the success of Proposition 8 except themselves. And they’re doing a great job of laying the groundwork for keeping gay marriage unconstitutional in California for years to come.
First, no one likes having massive social change crammed down on them from a bunch of unelected elites. See, e.g., abortion. ‘Puter thinks some people voted to ban gay marriage because they resent the courts telling them they’re backwards religious bigots who have to suck it up.
Pro gay marriage advocates, after losing Proposition 8, then proceeded to endear themselves to citizens everywhere by dropping the N-Word in referring to blacks, and by disrupting conservative Christian congregations’ services. Oh, and they’re sending fake anthrax to the Mormons. Can ‘Puter get the name of your public relations firm, because they’re doing a bang-up job.
Here’s some free advice. Instead of whining like babies, start collecting signatures to get the issue back on the ballot in 2010. Then work on publicly denouncing the moronic activities of your fellow travelers who drop the N-word and the anthrax mailers. Kick the fringe out of your club. Put a good face on who you are and what you do. You are neighbors, parents, taxpayers, teachers, police officers, lawyers and repairmen. You are as normal as everyone else, with the same cares and worries. Do NOT descend into calling those with whom you disagree bigots, or even implying it. Accept that you are unlikely to ever sway those with religious objections, but treat those folks and their arguments with respect as well. Let people see your good faith, earnestness and unshakable dignity, and enough of your opponents will come to your side, securing you victory. Win the people’s hearts and minds.
This is primarily how the civil rights movement made its case and eventually swayed public opinion.
‘Puter thinks gay marriage is destructive to the institution of marriage, the foundation of Western society. ‘Puter thinks gays can achieve all the benefits of marriage by law changes and contract, and without using the word “marriage.” ‘Puter also thinks gay marriage will be legal in most states, including California, within a decade.
* P.S. As a personal favor, could you please stop having the freak-show gay pride parades? You can celebrate your gayness in a way ‘Puter could let his kids see. Be like the drunken, brawling Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone loves walking the vomit laden streets of NYC after their parade. Wait. Maybe not the best example. You’ll think of something, though.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.