Like Speedy Gonzalez, this guy seems to have done everything right, except for being in the United States illegally, which pretty much casts a pall over everything that followed.
Unfortunately for Mr. Jimenez, he was selling his house, and his neighbor’s dip-wad 28 year old “single mother of two” daughter wanted to buy it from him. Even more unfortunately for Mr. Jimenez, he let Ms. Griffin, the aforementioned dip-wad move in prior to closing. Then Ms. Griffin couldn’t get financing and refused to move out.
Not only did Ms. Griffin refuse to move out of a house she did not own, she called “the FBI, the Roswell Police Department, local media, the state attorney general’s office and the governor’s office, among others” to rat out Mr. Jimenez for being an illegal, a fact she was happy to ignore when she thought she was buying his house. Then Ms. Griffin went down to Mr. Jimenez’ job and got him fired. Oh, and then ICE showed up and arrested Mr. Jimenez.
Now Mr. Jimenez is looking at deportation and Ms. Griffin is living in her mother’s basement.
Can’t we just deport them both?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.