A Little More Gasoline, Mr. Fire?
In a great example of how not to handle a financial crisis, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) decided to incite more market instability. In comments to the press last evening, Sen. Reid stunningly stated
We don’t have a lot of leeway on time. One of the individuals in the caucus today talked about a major insurance company — a major insurance company — one with a name that everyone knows that’s on the verge of going bankrupt. That’s what this is all about.
‘Puter’s no genius, and has never pretended to be one, but the fundamental crisis here is one of confidence in the markets. Anything that tends to undermine the little remaining confidence should be avoided. One can still pitch the bailout, emphasizing the dire consequences one seeks to avoid, without tanking the markets further. To publicly state that an unnamed major insurer is set to fail causes investors to panic and run screaming from ALL investment in insurers, whether the particular insurer is stable or not. Sen. Reid has just singlehandedly exacerbated this crisis.
‘Puter looks forward to the upcoming Obama administration, with Congress run by the buffoonish pair of Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Reid. It will be a marvelous tragi-comedy. If ‘Puter were a Democrat, he’d be looking to replace Congressional leadership.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.