Hoselton Nissan, you just made ‘Puter’s little list.
Nissan recalled ‘Puter’s 2001 Pathfinder because Nissan didn’t realize that road salt corrodes metal. Well, sort of. The recall was for a defective fuel filler tube that is subject to corrosion due to a manufacturing flaw of some sort. And Sweet Baby Jesus in the Manger knows that one thing Upstate has in abundance is road salt.
So, ‘Puter gets his recall notice and dutifully calls in and schedules an appointment that day. The recall notice states that the flaw can cause gas vapor explosions if ignited. On the appointed day, ‘Puter shows up with his vehicle, tank a hair over 1/4 full. The recall notice said to make sure the tank was 1/4 full or less. The service department refuses to do the work. ‘Puter tells them to drain the excess off and do the work. Hoselton says it’s impossible to drain the tank because of roll-over leakage protection. ‘Puter asks how Hoselton’s service department would replace a gas tank on an existing vehicle. Silence. “Aha,” ‘Puter thinks to himself, “Now I’ve got them!” ‘Puter states that it’s not that dealer can’t drain the tank, it’s that the dealer won’t. Silence. ‘Puter asks whether Hoselton is refusing to do the work, and dealer in fact refuses. ‘Puter, now irked with the world, leaves the dealership, vowing never to return.
Months pass, and one day ‘Puter wakes to the smell of gasoline vapors in his house. That’s right. The defect has finally come a-callin’. ‘Puter calls Nissan to see if he can avoid using Nissan at all. Nope. ‘Puter explains that Hoselton was lazy and unprofessional, an embarassment to the Nissan brand. Oh, and by the way, Hoselton flat out lied to ‘Puter’s face as well. Too bad, replies Nissan. ‘Puter must take the car to the dealership or pay for the repair himself. Nissan’s lame rejoinder to the cruddy customer service is that dealerships are independent contractors, so Nissan has no control over them. ‘Puter called BS on Nissan, to no avail. So now ‘Puter’s trucking his vehicle 10 miles out of his way to avoid using the local dealership that enraged ‘Puter.
All this for less than 1/8 tank overage. Nissan’s customer service is horrible top to bottom, and Hoselton is unprofessional and uncaring. If you’re ever in Upstate New York, and your Nissan breaks down, do yourself a favor and have it towed anywhere but Hoselton Nissan.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.