Ah, never one to disappoint, the New York Times offers up an unintentional satire of itself on par with New Yorker film critic Pauline Kael’s obliviousness and New York arrogance. Ms. Kael is reputed to have said, in response to Richard M. Nixon’s 49 state drubbing of George McGovern, “I don’t know how Richard Nixon could have won. I don’t know anybody who voted for him.” Roger Cohen ably steps into Ms. Kael’s role in today’s NYT opinion column.

Apparently, Mr. Cohen has determined that American exceptionalism is a Neanderthal concept only hillbillys and backwards knuckle draggers believe. Particularly those of us who are “angry,” and believe the Supreme Court should only concern itself with American law. Much like Ms. Kael, it would behoove Mr. Cohen to become aware of his own deficiencies before commenting on those of others. It’s like ‘Puter’s Scots-Irish hillbilly ancestors said in that old Appalachian Mountain proverb, “It’s not what you don’t know that makes you look like a fool. it’s what you do know that ain’t so.”

Mr. Cohen is British by birth. From his bio, it is unclear whether he is a United States citizen. Further, the vast majority of his career has been spent overseas, in places like Zagreb, Berlin, Rio de Janerio, Paris and Rome. Nothing wrong with any of this, but such apparent lack of experience with broader American culture would make ‘Puter loathe to offer up such cutting commentary on people with whom he’s spent little time.

Mr. Cohen with his gimlet continental eye identifies “[t]he damn-the-world, God-chose-us rage of that America.” Presumably, “that America” is anyone who is remotely conservative. Mr. Cohen shows his concern about the “declining global influence of the Supreme Court.” ‘Puter was unaware of the Constitutional mandate for SCOTUS to be concerned about its global influence. Backwoods Angry ‘Puter thought SCOTUS had enough to do sorting out America’s fine messes without worrying about foreigners’ problems.

Mr. Cohen helpfully offers his perspective on the 2008 Election.

On the Republican side, you have a guy who, in 2008, is just discovering the Net and Google and whose No. 2 is a woman who got a passport last year and believes she understands Russia because Alaska is closer to Siberia than Alabama.

Look past the rambling liberal canards, and you’ll see Mr. Cohen’s point at last. America should be a multi-cultural, globally dependant cog in the machine that is One World Government. America should know its place; its days of exceptionalism are long past. While this version of reality may excite folks in Manhattan, ‘Puter thinks that few in America above 96th Street agree. Even Pauline Kael would see that.

‘Puter and many Americans fervently believe that America IS exceptional, and that, with continued hard work and sacrifice, America’s best days are ahead of her. That, Mr. Cohen, is the difference between pessimistic elitist liberalism and optimistic bedrock conservatism. And it’s also why Sen. Obama cannot attract the votes of those conservative Democrat rubes in the hinterlands of Pennsyltucky, Ohio and Michigan.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.