Me Next!
‘Puter hereby volunteers to do his part in this expanding financial crisis. ‘Puter has informed Treasury Secretary Paulson and Fed Chair Bernanke that he stands ready to accept an $85 billion no strings attached bailout with taxpayer money. It’s for the children, so it’s OK. Really.
‘Puter’s impact on the U.S. economy cannot be underestimated. ‘Puter himself is responsible for 32% of the domestic consumption of hard liquor, and that doesn’t even count his in-laws’ contribution to the effort. Also, ‘Puter uses the interwebs a whole lot, and plays XBOX 360 whenever he can, supporting the manufacturing and electronics sectors. Oooh! ‘Puter also eats at fancy restaurants like Applebees a lot, supporting the service industry and commodities producers. And, ‘Puter drives his beloved 2001 Nissan Pathfinder (which is way cruddier than his old 1995 Jeep Cherokee with its standard transmission and power nothing, but that’s another story), using gas and supporting the auto industry . As you can see, without ‘Puter, the economy will crumble.
If a bailout is good enough for AIG, it’s good enough for ‘Puter.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.