Sen. Chauncey Gardner (D-IL)
‘Puter’s recently noted the astonishing similarities between Sen. Obama and Chance the Gardener, from Peter Seller’s great film Being There.
Aside from the sameness in sartorial style, the two men’s political philosophies seem to be equally devoid of content. Both are political neophytes. Both are media darlings. And both are men into whose utterances others read depth that does not exist.
Sen. Obama has given us such helpful guideposts as “We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.” and “We are the change that we seek.” This one’s a beaut, too: “If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.”
Chance gave us such gems as “[a]s long as the roots are not severed, all is well. And all will be well in the garden.” And the memorable “I like to watch.” Also, “There will be growth in the spring.”
And, similarly, both have fooled many people. But not all. Chance’s co-worker Louise, knowing Chance’s origins, saw through the media love affair and delivered the following Rev. Jeremiah Wright like, Bush-bashing rant.
It’s for sure a white man’s world in America. Look here: I raised that boy since he was the size of a piss-ant. And I’ll say right now, he never learned to read and write. No, sir. Had no brains at all. Was stuffed with rice pudding between th’ ears. Shortchanged by the Lord, and dumb as a jackass. Look at him now! Yes, sir, all you’ve gotta be is white in America, to get whatever you want. Gobbledy-gook!
The only difference appears to be that Chance may have been the Messiah, walking on water at the end of the film, but Sen. Obama’s clearly not.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.