The Good Junior Senator From Illinois (hereinafter, “The GJSFI“) is a proud graduate of Harvard Law School, where he edited the Law Review. Distinguished constitutional scholar Laurence H. Tribe is a member of the Harvard Law School faculty, and may have taught the GJSFI. The GJSFI himself once taught Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago. The Gormogons have put one of his Con Law exams up for review, and ridicule. Leaving aside politics for a moment, ‘Puter was momentarily stunned, then enraged when The GJSFI blithely referred to President George W. Bush (who gets no love from ‘Puter either) as “John McCain’s president, George W. Bush.”
Now, ‘Puter’s no Haravard Law graduatin‘, Con Law teachin‘ junior senator from Illinois, but ‘Puter’s read hisself the United States Constitution more than a few times. Being a bit slow, ‘Puter must have missed the part where a citizen of the United States can unilaterally declare that the duly elected sitting president of the United States is not his president. Maybe The GJSFI can point me to the relevant provision.
All kidding aside, the asininity that somehow the sitting president is “not my president” has got to stop. It sounds stupid and petty whether it comes from KosKids in reference to George W. Bush or the Buchananites referring to William J. Clinton. Look, [insert hated president here] is/was the president whether you like it or not. Your guy lost. Deal with it.
And for a presidential candidate from a major political party to pull this garbage is inexcusable. It may excite your base, GJSFI, but it diminishes you personally and professionally. ‘Puter calls on The GJSFI to reaffirm or retract his statement that implies George W. Bush is not his president. As if the GJSFI or his campaign staff read The Gormogons.
And for Sweet Baby Jesus In The Manger’s sake, no non-apology apology, please.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.