It’s all the rage, kids, isn’t it? Once a side-feature of tabloids, even mainstream, real-news-only publications (such as The New York Post) are discussing the subject of alien abduction. According to some polls, more than 100% of all Americans have been kidnapped in the last twenty minutes, and those who haven’t are in a constant state of denial.

Rumor is, airport traffic control personnel find blips of alien craft on radar screens all the time, but are subject to intense cover ups, so that we never hear about them. Personally, were that true, you’d think there’d be more flying saucers routed into each other than there apparently are, but hey… perhaps that’s covered up too.

Anyway, if you haven’t been abducted by aliens, you’re clearly not hip, and probably live in a trailer park and eat Spam out of the can. Then again, these are the type of people who most frequently call in abductions. So, in an effort to make you popular, here are the Czar’s tips on getting yourself abducted.

Be Attractive To Aliens

Never be a scientist. Sure, you can come close and be a successful horror writer like Streiber, but nobody trusts a chronic fiction writer. A bit of the “cry wolf” problem, eh? The late Carl Sagan, for example, was never abducted, although he would have been an obvious choice, just so he could explain their technology to them in terms they could understand. Further, Frank Drake was never abducted, either, but would very much like to be, if only to prove that formula of his one way or another. Other scientists have been notably unkidnapped, such as Dr. Joyce Brothers, although there is some theory that she is, in fact, an actual alien.

Don’t be too popular, either. People trust celebrities, and consequently would not be good choices: celebrities blow whistles on such operations, and would be disastrous for any secret abduction program. However, there is a rumor that the B-52s were abducted in the early 1980s, but not for scientific experiments… hey, even an alien has to party.

Be human. Very few dogs, cats, dugongs, or dingos report abductions. Maybe they are abducted all the time, but aren’t intelligent enough to realize their subconsciouses have been tampered with. Could be: the Czar had a dog who had serious memory lapses; and one of our buddies has a cat who can’t account for a lot of his behavior.

In addition to being human, there are some other qualities you should have to be attractive to aliens.

• Be rural. Aliens hate crowded cities, and can never find parking; if you live by yourself off in the outer suburbs or in rural America, you’re ideal.
• Don’t be too smart. Aliens hate well-read individuals, who might shrug off a genuine abduction as nothing more than a waking dream, a flashback from just one teeny hit of acid at a party ten years before, or a harmless and brief microseizure in the neocortex. Boy, what a waste of time that would be!
• Don’t fall for the notion that an alien species would have evolved under a vastly different ecology from ours, and therefore could not possibly look like the very-human description of little guys with big heads and black eyes. Ignore the fact these totally alien creatures look more like us than chimpanzees do, with whom we share 96% of our DNA.
• Be open-minded! It helps if you are open-minded to different ideas; not just alien abduction, but bone up on astrology, pyramid power, fairies and elves, and crystal healing. Aliens have very little time for people who live and work in the real world.

Be Polite When They Show

Show some courtesy when they do show… remember, they won’t come screaming out of the sky at unbeliveable speeds, and they won’t take you up to their ship with powerful technology that would require a lot of massive energy sources which would interfere with reception for counties around you (or parishes, if you’re in Louisiana). No, they’ll appear out of thin air, without a sound, take you up with no apparent means, and whisk you off to their ship without a trace, and certainly without disturbing your neighbors. Be sure to show them the same courtesy.

Have cookies. Aliens like cookies, and it’s the sign of a good host to offer them some. For heaven’s sake, people leave cookies out for Santa, and we know there ain’t no Santy Claus. Yet, no one ever thinks to do the same for real house guests. And for heaven’s sake, offer them good cookies. These guys have traversed thousands of light years, and aren’t in the mood for those stale, generic vanilla wafers. Get the name brand stuff.

Don’t offer them milk until we determine if they’re lactose intolerant. After all, if they can travel space with transeinsteinian technology, they certainly have weapons to match, and nothing encourages a person to use them openly more than intestinal cramps.

It’s okay to be excited at meeting the aliens, but remember the little guys hate flash photography, and definitely don’t jam a camcorder in their face. Try to be subdued, and find a creative way to remember this historic meeting. Most people capture the moment by burying it into their unconscious so far that only wealthy and glamorous hypnotists can drag it out them by a combination of suggestion and encouragement.

Avoid making fun of their last names. Or their first names. Or whatever the name of their homeworld might be. They don’t seem to have much grasp of spoken languages, and they do the best they can with telepathy. And since they can use telepathy, and you can’t, it’s definitely rude to snicker. Although, ya gotta admit, some of their names are downright silly.

Mi Casa, Su Casa

Now, remember that they’re nice enough to take you up into their ship, which they only reserve for the vast majority of Americans. It helps to remember that you’re in somebody’s home.

Don’t be pushing any buttons, and don’t be swinging on any levers. If you spill something, apologize and offer to clean it up. Smile politely when introduced to others, and don’t shake any three-fingered hands (they’re not big on arm-around-the-shoulder stuff or back slaps, which makes them rather like New Englanders).

Compliment their art work, provided you don’t make the big faux pas and accidentally compliment a piece of equipment. Think how uncomfortable you’d feel if you welcomed a visitor into your home and he got all excited by your sink nozzle.

Play along with their strange rituals. They’re nice enough to follow some of yours; you should follow some of theirs. Let them gather around you, let them shine lights at you, stick objects up your nostril, or slice bits of skin off you. They’re just being friendly, even if it is a little different. Believe me, it’s certainly no stranger than Greenwich Village, and think about how much time you’ve spent there!

And respect their traditions. When they drop you back at your place, and they usually are nice enough to give you a ride back to your own bed, simply repeat the gesture by pushing one into a chair and shoving a grape into his nose. It will be warmly appreciated by them.

But be down to earth, too: let them borrow a couple of CDs (anything by the B-52s, especially Good Stuff, which has a lot of inside jokes they love), maybe a video tape (funny hint: they even like to watch blank tapes!), or some earrings or a shirt or two. They’ll bring it back in the same condition they took it, and they’re quick to let you borrow some of their stuff, like time dilators, light cones (the Czar knows one guy who’s got a bunch!), or other trinkets, like those crazy toroid sporans they buy but never wear.

Ya’ll Come Back Now, Y’Hear?

You may be tempted to rush off to the press with your amazing tale, but remember how the popular media mucks everything up (remember Independence Day… no one wants to sit through another one of those). Just sit back and await their next visit, although you might want to tidy up a bit. They don’t eat lint, for goodness sake.

Make yourself accessible for follow-up visits. Leave your doors and windows unlocked at all times, and don’t stay up too late. Don’t get a satellite dish: the aliens frequently confuse them with radar dishes, and will be reluctant to park right out front.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.