Vote or Die! - The Gormogons

‘Puter seconds Czar’s admonition to vote or die. And, in GorT’s plasma matrix brain, the choices are truly binary.

‘Puter did not vote today. First, because there are no elections in New York today. Second, because ‘Puter got called for jury duty. ‘Puter was dismissed from service after a day’s worth of voir dire.

Why was ‘Puter dismissed, you ask? Probably primarily because ‘Puter’s got legal training. Secondarily, by luck of the draw, ‘Puter was assigned to a judge with whom ‘Puter worked in private practice for a number of years. Last, because it was a mugging (robbery) case, and ‘Puter has been mugged at least twice that he recalls. So now, having done his duty, ‘Puter is exempt from jury service for eight years.

‘Puter must commend the New York courts, as the experience was as pleasant as they could reasonably make it. Except they made ‘Puter pay for parking. Is it too much to ask for the state to provide free parking for jurors? ‘Puter thinks not.

In summation, today is a day for everyone, including your Gormogons, to do your civic duty.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.