Vote or Die!
It’s lovely to be able to start a post with the immortal words of world renowned goober and “artist” formerly known as Diddy. Or Puffy. Or Sean John Combs. Or some such made up crap.
‘Puter just returned from voting. He was the 20th person to cast a ballot in his precinct. The turnout is abysmally low, embarrassingly so.
‘Puter and Czar have harped on this message before. It is your civic duty to vote. ‘Puter doesn’t care if you’re tired, your kids are whining or you think you’ve got better things to do. A citizen votes. A lazy freeloader doesn’t. Heck, you can even get an absentee ballot mailed to your lazy butt at your house. How difficult is that?
If you don’t vote, ‘Puter will not spend one second of time listening to your opinion. On anything. In fact, ‘Puter will spend time mocking you for being a lazy freeloader. ‘Puter is gleeful about this. Czar takes a rather more forceful approach, giving non-voters who unwittingly mention in His presence their failure to exercise the franchise a Colombian necktie. Either way, you really ought vote.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.