In Which ‘Puter Pimp Smacks E.J. Dionne

Czar and Dat Ho recreate ‘Puter’s massive
pimp smack of E.J. Dionne in Castle
Gormogon’s cabaret room before a
standing room only crowd. 

‘Puter promised he would post on this topic yesterday, but he was too excited preparing for his forthcoming reunion with @mbernadettee and @briangriffiths for Mass and brunch.**  Hence, ‘Puter did not get to this post until today.

Recap: ‘Puter thinks E.J. Dionne is an overpaid and intellectually deficient liberal columnist who makes far too much money for parroting to Democrats talking points written by President Obama’s press flacks.  ‘Puter frequently tears down Mr. Dionne’s faulty logic and flawed premises.  Recently, ‘Puter tore apart Mr. Dionne for using the Washington Post‘s opinion pages to call for a ban on automatic weapons, despite the fact that automatic weapons have been de facto banned since 1934’s National Firearms Act.

As a recap, here’s the text of ‘Puter’s email:

Mr. Pexton:

In today’s opinion pages, Mr. Dionne’s piece contains a materially misleading statement based on a false premise. Mr. Dionne states “isn’t the more direct solution to ban automatic weapons and oversize magazines so that when someone does go off the rails, it won’t be possible for him to shoot off close to 100 rounds in 100 seconds?” Mr. Dionne is clearly referring to the recent tragic massacre in Aurora, Colorado. His language strongly implies that automatic weapons (1) were used in the massacre and (2) are widely available in the marketplace. Both implications are patently and provably false.

Automatic weapons have been subject to a de facto ban since the passage of the National Firearms Act in 1934. Here’s a link to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives’ description of the National Firearms Act. Civilians may still possess, purchase and transfer automatic weapons provided they comply with governing regulations, but the regulatory hurdles put in place by the NFA and BATFE are so high, very, very few people are eligible. Heck, even the gun-hating New York Times managed to get it correct, stating “[f]ully automatic weapons are not widely available on the civilian market in the United States.”

Additionally, no automatic weapons were used in the recent massacre in Aurora. The gunman used a Remington 870 12 gauge shotgun (pump action), a Smith & Wesson M&P15 chambered in 5.56mm NATO (semi-automatic) and two Glock .40 caliber pistols (semi-automatic). Even going further back, no automatic weapons were used in the Virginia Tech shooting (Glock 19 9mm pistol (semi-automatic) and Walther P22 .22 caliber (semi-automatic)) or in the Columbine shooting (12-gauge Savage-Springfield 67H pump-action shotgun, Hi-Point 995 Carbine 9 mm carbine, 9 mm Intratec TEC-9 semi-automatic handgun, 12-gauge Stevens 311D double-barreled sawed-off shotgun).

Mr. Dionne is certainly entitled to his own opinion. However, as many are fond of saying, he is not entitled to his own facts. Mr. Dionne is ignorant of basic firearms facts, purposely misleading his readers or both.

Please have Mr. Dionne issue a correction, or, at a minimum, a clarification.



[‘Puter’s full name]
[Undisclosed Upstate location]

‘Puter stated he’d let his loyal minions know if anything came of his tilt at the media’s windmill.  Well, here’s the update.  ‘Puter received the following response from one Ms. Alison C., whom ‘Puter affords the greatest respect, as she is likely fresh out of j-school, working an unpaid internship at the Washington Post, living off the discarded corpses of fetal pigs Mr. Dionne requires to live and Eugene Robinson’s toenail clippings.  Ms. C. will undoubtedly stop purchasing Mr. Dionne his lunch shortly and start eating his lunch, writing short, sharp columns, using actual facts to support opinion, unlike Mr. Dionne, who creates “facts” to match his opinion. Ms. C. wrote thus:

Hi Mr. [‘Puter], 

Thanks for taking the time to write. I passed your e-mail along to Mr. Dionne and he spoke with his editors. His column has been corrected to reflect this. Here is the link with the clarification:  

I hope this helps, and thanks for pointing it out. 

All the best, 

Alison C. [last name redacted by ‘Puter] Editorial Aide to the Ombudsman The Washington Post 1150 15th Street, NW Washington, DC 20071 Phone: [redacted by ‘Puter]E-mail: [redacted by ‘Puter]

Well, heck.  ‘Puter got Mr. Dionne to correct a column.  All because Mr. Dionne lied –erm, erred– on the facts surrounding firearms, and ‘Puter called him on it. ‘Puter’ll be darned.  The truth shall set you free. Or at least, make a lying, doctrinaire hard-Left gun banner recant and run to the corner to lick his wounds. So let this be a lesson.  A short, to the point, respectful missive to your local daily rag of choice will get results.  Newspapers are a business, after all.  

Interestingly, Mr. Dionne’s corrected column now reads as a call for an outright ban on semi-automatic weapons.  At least Mr. Dionne is now forced to say what he actually believes, and not hide behind his bogeyman of already illegal automatic weapons: no private citizen anywhere should own guns.

Man, ‘Puter needs to quit his day job and start writing for a living.  He’s better than 90% of the hacks in the major dailies.

**In case any minion is wondering, if you’re not obviously unstable, ‘Puter is willing to meet up with you in a public location should you wish to discuss matters of import, so long as you promise not to disclose ‘Puter’s secret identity.  ‘Puter will not disclose any of his fellow Gormogons’ identities, so don’t ask.  But ‘Puter will be happy to drink beer on your tab and enthrall you with tales of Czar’s exploits as a wee lad, as he wreaked havoc on the central Eurasian steppes with his pet goldfish Magda.  

About 'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this. ’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies. The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig. His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred. He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently. Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet. 'Puter suggests the Czar suck it.