A brief list, which shows that even Heisenberg could be certain about some things, at least.

1. The best intelligence test is to put a person behind the wheel of a car. Almost no one would pass.
2. People who look at flowers generally enjoy them more than people who eat them.
3. Stay away from folks who kill any person they meet. There may be something wrong with them.
4. Be safe! Many people choke eating whole pieces of fruit.
5. Marry a nurse and you’ll never want for bedpans again.
6. No matter what the naturalists tell you, dung beetles lead pretty miserable lives.
7. The things we find most humiliating are often the things we do really well.
8. A lot of people probably owe you some money. Call them.
9. People who nod slowly when you speak to them aren’t remotely listening to you.
10. Never take financial advice from someone who isn’t wildly rich.
11. Cows are slower than horses; and they smell worse but taste better.
12. People who hate snakes usually have few problems with shoes.
13. The slower the emergency services, the worst the outcome.
14. Those who enjoy extreme sports make a lot of noise.
15. The cod is not a happy fish.
16. The only good way to end a war is to beat the other side senseless.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.