“As you read, your chest tightens and a sense of dread washes over you, radiating out from your heart. You feel anxious, afraid and intensely guilty.”
What’s this quote about? Biopsy results? Your 401k after an inevitable downturn? Your kid’s most recent report card? Nope. Read on.
“Just this morning, you drove a gasoline-powered car to work. You ate beef for lunch. You booked a flight, turned on the heat, forgot your reusable grocery bags at home. This is your fault.”
In her NYT opinion piece, Emma Marris* irrationally believes much of the American public is angst-ridden and self-blaming over the state of the Earth’s climate. To believe this, one must also believe two predicates: (1) climate change in the near term will make Earth uninhabitable and (2) all Americans are as deluded and as fragile as the author and other coastal elites.
Well, ‘Puter for one is absolutely anxious, afraid, and intensely guilty that he hadn’t yet considered that he should be anxious, afraid, and intensely guilty about climate change. What’s ‘Puter to do?!? OH NOES, TEH AYNGST IZ TEH OVARWELLMIN MEEEEE!!!
But our author is nothing but helpful. She reassures us:
“As an environmental writer, I’m often asked for guidance on coping with climate change. I have thoughts. Even better, I have a five-point plan to manage the psychological toll of living with climate change and to become part of the solution.”
First, “[a]s an environmental writer” could’ve just as easily been written “as a giant douchenozzle with totalitarian tendencies and irrational beliefs” and been equally correct.
Second, thank God for Ms. Marris. Imagine what we’d have had to do if not for an environmental writer (whatever the heck that means) helpfully coming up with a five-point plan to solve a non-problem, just like leftist heroes Elizabeth Warren and Josef Stalin. Wait. Stalin and his merry band of Soviet murderers had five-year plans. Close enough.
Anyhoo, what does Ms. Marris’ five-point plan entail? As one would suspect from an “environmental writer,” a whole assload of government control and reduced freedoms. Here’s Ms. Marris’ five points with some helpful ‘Puter commentary:
1. Ditch the shame.
“Yes, our daily lives are undoubtedly contributing to climate change. But that’s because the rich and powerful have constructed systems that make it nearly impossible to live lightly on the earth. Our economic systems require most adults to work ….”
It’s not your fault because big, bad one-percenters made it impossible for you not to pollute. Clearly, the solution is to exterminate the one-percenters to usher in a global green Utopia. It’s not your fault. The game is rigged. You’re programmed to believe that your consumption is the problem.
“It turns eco-saints against eco-sinners, who are really just fellow victims.” It’s not just you who are a victim. Everyone you know, everyone you meet, everyone ever everywhere is a victim! “As long as we are competing for the title of ‘greener than thou,’ or are paralyzed by shame, we aren’t fighting the powerful companies and governments that are the real problem.”
FITE TEH POWAR!! STIK IT 2 DA MANN!! EET THA RITCH!!! FREE BLEEDIN IZ KEWL!!!! Um, that last one, ‘Puter got a bit carried away. Sorry.
Also, it’s totes criminal that you’re required to work to earn a living. People should just give you free crap because Oregon and stuff. Say, where’d ‘Puter leave his bong? Must’ve left it in my Portland-based sweat lodge which is just a refrigerator box filled with nekkid, greasy, bearded homeless guys.
2. Focus on systems, not yourself.
Ms. Marris states we cannot reduce our climate change contributions to zero and even if we could it would eat all our time, “leaving us little time or energy for pushing for the systemic changes we need.” ‘Puter would’ve gone with “big, structural change” as an homage to hard-Left’s secular saint Sen. Liz Warren, noted Native American spokes-squaw.
Ms. Marris shares that she’s decided to fight the system by fighting against a natural gas pipeline, liquefaction facility, and LNG terminal in her home state of Oregon.** She states 42,000 people submitted comments to a state agency requesting it deny the necessary permits. This means that if the permits are denied, each person, according to Marris, gets climate indulgences equal to one-forty-two-thousandth of the facility’s emissions which would have occurred, about 876 metric tons per person. This compares to the average annual per person emissions of 16 metric tons.
I’d be interested to know if these 42,000 people also get credit for the hundreds if not thousands of lost jobs in Oregon and elsewhere by putting the kibosh on a valuable economic enhancement. And if we’re going to do the math, Ms. Marris should also include the increased emissions for coal and wood burning overseas (likely in China and India) where the LNG would have been exported, reducing the need to burn dirtier fossil fuels. Want to bet preventing the LNG export terminal’s construction is a net emissions increase?
The author’s point, she helpfully tells us, is:
“that the climate crisis is not going to be solved by personal sacrifice. It will be solved by electing the right people, passing the right laws, drafting the right regulations, signing the right treaties — and respecting those treaties already signed, particularly with indigenous nations. It will be solved by holding the companies and people who have made billions off our shared atmosphere to account.”
So elect hard-Left enviroweenies, trust in other countries to run our economy for the good of Gaia, and surrender your freedoms to those who know better than you (Ms. Marris’ compatriots, natch).
That’s a formula for success right there. It’s historically proven to work well in such paradises as the former Soviet Union, China, North Korea, Venezuela, and California.
3. Join an effective group.
First, there’s no such thing as an effective group. Second, joining a group accomplishes nothing. Ms. Marris cites several groups, none of which seem to have accomplished much of anything except offering a place for puffed-up leftist egos to go and talk to like-minded climate change induced dementia patients in a never-ending echo chamber.
The Swedish Climate Meatball is mentioned. ‘Puter did not feel it necessary to point out the absurdity in Ms. Marris’ claim that exploitation of an autistic child is a good thing because muh climate.
“Climate change is linked to income inequality and injustice, so if your passion is fighting for racial justice, the rights of the poor, or indigenous rights and sovereignty, that works, too. Or you might volunteer for a climate-focused local or national political candidate.”
You can meet this prong of Ms. Marris’ unfucking your fucked-up head plan by voting. Voting is something you’re supposed to do anyway. Perhaps Ms. Marris means voting only for candidates of whom she approves. In order to cure yourself, you’re required to cede all powers and freedoms to Ms. Marris and her ilk. That seems reasonable.
Totally not a cult.
4. Define your role.
This prong is “everything within the group, nothing outside the group, nothing against the group.” It’s a catchy phrase but it sounded better in the original mid-20th century Italian.
Lest you think Ms. Marris requires your absolute subservience, think again! Truly, she is a most benevolent Duce Fuhrer leader, concerned for her slaves minions fellow travelers:
“Take care not to overdo it at first and risk burning out. Set a sustainable level of involvement for yourself and keep it up. As a bonus, working with a group will increase the richness and diversity of your personal relationships, and may well temper your climate anxiety and depression.”
Only Ms. Marris can help you recover from your climate anxiety and depression. You should probably see her for an audit in which she’ll use an E-reader to rid you of your engrams so you may become cleared and an operational environmentalist.
Hey, Ms. Marris invented Scientology!
5. Know what you are fighting for, not just what you are fighting against.
‘Puter considered spending additional time and words to tear apart Ms. Marris’ last point but her own words do such a good job of discrediting her as a serious person, he decided to let you read them yourselves:
“As we fight, it is important for our mental health and motivation to have an image in mind of our goal: a realistically good future.
“Imagine dense but livable cities veined with public transit and leafy parks, infrastructure humming away to remove carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, fake meat that tastes better than the real thing, species recovering and rewilding the world, the rivers silver with fish, the skies musical with flocking birds.
“This is a future where the economic inequality, racism and colonialism that made decades of inaction on climate change possible has been acknowledged and is being addressed. It is a time of healing. Many ecosystems have changed, but natural resilience and thoughtful human assistance is preventing most species from going extinct. This is a future in which children don’t need to take to the streets in protest and alarm, because their parents and grandparents took action. Instead, they are climbing trees.”
BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD, OR ELSE YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN WILL DIE IN A GIANT, GLOBAL OVEN OF YOUR MAKING! YOU ARE ENVIRO-HITLER EXTERMINATING YOUR KIN IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH MS. MARRIS! OBEY HER!
And while you’re at it, buy Ms. Marris’ book so you can virtue signal to your hippie friends and quote from it to shame your backwards, hick relatives you abandoned back in Flyover Country to make your way in the enlightened, totes cool coastal enclaves.
Ms. Marris’ piece cements many Americans’ opinion of the climate change cultists. They are narcissistic, weak-willed people who want to use government force to destroy jobs and limit freedoms in order to enter the promised land of a world where the Earth warms slightly less and everyone’s equally poor and miserable.
Most normal people want no part of the world Ms. Marris and her ilk wish to foist upon them. And Ms. Marris and her ilk are too stupid, too power-hungry, or too brainwashed to realize it.
Heed her words and act accordingly.
* Ms. Marris is the author of “Rambunctious Garden: Nature in a Post-Wild World” which sounds like a story about hippies refusing to tend their commune’s weed patch after their Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits 8-track broke.
** Did I mention Ms. Marris lives in Klamath Falls, Oregon? Because of course she does.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.