If you’re new to this website, you should know that the Czar likes to do infrequent spotlights on countries around the world, and in so doing, manages to avoid doing any real research on it besides maybe googling a couple of pictures. These research reports are largely guesswork.
Also, if you’re new to this website, that’s pretty unlikely.
Anyway, Kiribati, which is becoming harder for us to spell, is this island nation somewhere wet. And sunny. Most people pick sunny and warm islands to start countries. The obvious exceptions are Greenland, which is actually an island but is big enough to practically be its own continent, Easter Island, which is so unpleasant just about everyone starved to death there, and all of the United Kingdom, which is a miserable place filled with Scottish people and the Irish. There may be other islands that aren’t very nice, weather-wise.
But Kiribati is probably super pleasant, aside from the annual typhoon or hurricane or whatever the locals call it that scours the place into a desert.
You’re probably wondering what the local wildlife is like, and the Czar also wonders, right along with you. That’s probably the sort of thing worth looking up sometime.
The Czar is also uncertain what language is spoken in Kiribati. Probably “Kiribati,” about which the Czar knows two things: (1) Nothing, and (2) The Volgi probably speaks it.
As far as local cuisine, the Kiribati eat a lot of seafood, fresh fruits, and beans because that’s all island people ever eat. It sounds pretty healthy, but all that island food tends to blow through your intestines as if your mouth and your anus were connected by a shiny, metal tube. And the Czar has no idea if the Kiribati people put curry in everything, but if they do, you can pretty much write off enjoying anything they serve you.
As far as a government entity, the Kiribati nation is corrupt, borderline communist, and marginally functional with self-governance. This isn’t from The CIA Factbook, but is based on every other goddamned island paradise on earth. Really, it’s like if you live on island, you become utterly incompetent at basic rule of law. Check out Britain. The Czar doesn’t need to do research on this project.
So Kiribati is probably one of those long and thin islands, which means their local economy is probably based on storing lumber in neat stacks, or something. So you should probably buy a couple of tickets and go.
As any elementary school student will tell you, the two best words in any analytical report are “in conclusion,” and in conclusion, the Czar will add that Kiribati is the most perfectly wonderful hellhole on earth, and you’re welcome to admire their lumber stacks from a public lavatory, as that papaya-goo bean dip you ate ten minutes ago has decided to Usain Bolt out your colon and become a jellyfish offshore.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.