Sometimes it’s nice to sit and ponder things on a quiet, snowy Upstate morning. Today is not one of those days. ‘Puter knew it was going to snow, and snow a lot overnight. ‘Puter determined to get up early, exercise, snowblow his driveway, and leave for work 30 minutes early. And so ‘Puter did.
‘Puter got to work to find a text transmitted en route informing him the office was closed until 11:00 AM. Suck it, world.
‘Puter will be departing the office four hours early today as a result. Well, probably not. ‘Puter’s boss, the company president, will schedule a meeting for 4:00 PM because it’s Friday and that’s how he rolls.
‘Puter’s pretty fired up as a result, so he thought he’d drop a few lines on the site. One must comply with Meaux’s Order for the Preservation of Gormogon Awesome-osity.
Here are some words requiring more frequent use: Huzzah! Archaeopteryx. Homonculus. Dildo. Warpig. Jank. Sure, forty percent of the aforementioned words are made up, but that doesn’t matter. Do it for the children.
Old people should be banned from driving during morning and evening rush hours. You’re retired. Stay off the damned roads so the rest of us can get to work. Someone needs to slave to pay your Social Security which is broke and which we won’t get. You sure as Hell didn’t. You’re sucking more out than you ever put in. And say thank you once in a while, Meemaw.
America shouldn’t listen to children about anything. The last time America listened to kids was the 1960s, and look how the 1970s turned out.
We should raise the legal age for everything to 30 unless you’re living on your own, paying taxes, and fully self-supporting.
Thinking about it, if you’re living off the taxpayer, you shouldn’t get a say in government spending. You should get representation, but taxpayers should get to approve any federal budget in an up or down vote. Not you, 16 year old gun grabber. Not you, Meemaw who faked a disability then retired at 62 and is now 80. Not you, public school teachers and other government employees. If the government treats you as its child, you get the vote of a child.
Someone should start a charity that does nothing but purchase guns for abuse victims. The charity would train recipients to use them properly. Call it Planned Personhood maybe. Or Hugs for Handguns.
People shouldn’t be so hung up on looks. As we get older, we realize we all get dumpier, even the ones of us who remain objectively hawt. Be a good person. That goes a long way and doesn’t fade with age.
Shoveling snow is a young man’s job. Thank God for snowblowers. Also, why did Frosty the Snowman run out into the street? He heard a snowblower was coming.
‘Puter watched Guardians of the Galaxy 2 last night. ‘Puter has no idea why Sylvester Stallone was in that movie.
That’s pretty much it. ‘Puter’s got more to say. Way more, in fact. ‘Puter just doesn’t want to ruin this post with rants on gun control, or abortion, or banking law, or overregulation, or how both parties now completely suck on rule of law and basic constitutional concepts.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.