The Czar Reviews ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2’
The Guardians of the Galaxy are back, in theaters right NOW!
No, of course it isn’t: it’s actually much longer, thanks to 25 minutes of previews, courtesy AMC Theaters. And, as usual, we answer your questions about the movie, in case you’re interested in seeing it anyway.
Q. Is the music any good?
A. Even better. The Czar was able to read the songlist weeks ago and knew every one on it, including the Chicago-specific-one that made most people scratch their heads. You could save yourself a theater ticket by reading the song list and looking at a picture of Vin Diesel, and it would be pretty much the same thing.
Q. As good as the first one?
A. Yes and no. Like all these Marvel Studios movies, the tone and inspirations are very different than any other film. It’s as good as the first, but it’s a very different movie in terms of the style. If you liked the first, you’ll like this one. If you didn’t like the first, you wouldn’t be reading this anyway.
Q. Is this a good movie to bring my aging grandmother to? She’s 105 and drinks brown liquor, forgets where she is, and blurts out obscenities a lot.
A. You already brought her, because you were sitting right behind us.
Q. I have a parrot that sleeps all day and shrieks randomly with a pitch high enough to peel your skin. Do you think he’d like the movie?
A. No. But that’s what you get for finding a pet that’s way more annoying than you, and that will live decades longer than you and be a terrible burden on your family who inherits the goddamned thing.
Q. I read that President Warren G. Harding makes a cameo, in which he emphasizes the importance of regular dental checkups. Did this scene work, or nah?
A. Yes, although the CGI looks incredibly bad, with rubbery skin and inhuman eyes. Unless the Czar is mistaken, and that was actually Sylvester Stallone.
Q. Does this film promote heteronormative cis-insensitive triggers that reinforce the racist, white patriarchy?
A. Hell, yeah, it does. And Kurt Russell is in it.
Q. ἄρτι, ὦ Τερψίων, ἢ πάλαι ἐξ ἀγροῦ?
A. ἐπιεικῶς πάλαι. καὶ σέ γε ἐζήτουν κατ᾽ ἀγορὰν καὶ ἐθαύμαζον ὅτι οὐχ οἷός τ᾽ ἦ εὑρεῖν.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.