Trump’s presidency has induced full-tilt, bat-sh*t crazy madness in once sane people.
The shock of Donald Trump chucking Hillary “The Sure Thing” Clinton aside like a no-longer-hot-soon-to-be-ex-wife is partly to blame, sure. But ‘Puter’s got a niggling feeling there’s more to liberals’ existential fury than Hillary’s unexpected loss.
‘Puter’s got a sneaking suspicion liberals fear the country isn’t what they always assumed it was. Here are a few articles of liberal faith Trump’s election ABSOLUTELY DESTROYED!!1!1!! (as our Leftist friends on Facebook often say):
- Liberals assumed everyone agreed with their political views, except for those icky rubes in Flyover Country who everyone knows are basically the offspring of stupid fat women in spandex who spit out kids until their uteruses fall out and skinny guys in overalls and MAGA hats who dropped out of high school, are perpetually drunk on cheap domestic beer (the horror!), drive pickup trucks, self-sodomize with firearms, and hate Mexicans. Bake me a cake, you bigoted backwoods f*cks! Don’t complain about it, just do it! OBEY!!!
- Liberals believed they were on the “right side of history” and that nothing, particularly not Cap’n Tinyhands McHairclubformen, could stop their march to righteous victory and eternal countrywide domination. Forward! Our intellectual and moral betters never thought for a moment that Americans could disagree with liberal dogma on open borders, crony capitalism, abortion on demand through birth, ever-increasing government regulation, double standards favorable to government mandarins and their toadies, gender neutral bathrooms for kids, and brutal repression of even the slightest whiff of resistance.
- Liberals assumed their control of media afforded them control of America’s hearts and minds. Media pushed the official narrative so hard, they even began to buy it themselves. After all, no one with whom they interact disagreed. And we know that all the smartest and most competent thinkers and doers live in Washington, New York, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Seattle. Everyone else are meat puppets doing the icky jobs media would rather not think about. Surely those non-thinking, meth-head hillbillies in Appalachia (“That’s part of Kansas, right? I think I once met someone from Kansas.” <= media) will be awed by our precious, inevitable narrative and come to worship it as we have!
Liberals are shocked not because Hillary lost. Liberals are shocked because their belief system died before their eyes. Liberals watched in disbelief on Tuesday night November 8, 2016 as Trump and American voters proved their god a false god, their world make-believe, their most deeply held beliefs falsehoods.
Liberals had a choice to make election night and liberals chose poorly. Liberals continue to deny reality, continue to believe their discredited beliefs, and continue to worship their ersatz god politic.
Like wounded animals, liberals have spent the last five months furiously lashing out at anyone and anything they believe harmed them. And like badly wounded animals, liberals will either bleed out or be put down.
It cannot happen soon enough.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.