Sorry if the Czar spoils any of the movie for you in this review, but if he has seen it, then you can rest assured you’ve had it spoiled weeks ago by the jerks in your life who insist, because you’re going to see it anyway, here’s every secret twist and ending. You know who that is in your life. The Czar, for example, has the Mandarin.
This is a very different Star Wars movie, because for the most part, all the major returning actors from the previous movies are thoroughly dead. Instead, you get all new characters. A popular favorite will surely be the new robot, 4B494C4D4552 (or whatever his name is), who is beautifully delicate at the request of the toy makers who will see parents buying the same action figure multiple times due his inherent fragility. The Czar has the same problem with his breakable-as-heck Tobey McGuire action figure from the Ciderhouse Rules playset he keeps crushing by sleeping on it.
A lot of buzz has been generated by the apparent politics of this movie, which a lot of liberals are cheering because clearly it’s an allegory for protesting Donald Trump, which is the same argument they’ve been making about The Sandlot, Dude, Where’s My Car, and March of the Penguins. The producers and director of the movie insist there is no political allegory, although frankly its plot about stealing data from a bad guy named KlinTon in order to destroy an unstoppable political force intent on annihilating free trade pretty much swings the other way, if you know what we mean.
The scene where Dakota Fanning open-mouth kisses Helen Mirren (brought back to life by amazing CGI) will surely be an Oscar winner, just as soon as the Academy decides to whom to give it. An unexpected musical number (the “Force Push” song is surprisingly catchy) is another break with Star Wars tradition, and not at all a bad call by director Gareth “Welshy” Edwards.
The movie isn’t perfect: it slows down quite a bit between the opening and end credits, and the Disney marketing presence is obvious throughout, with obvious amusement park rides waiting to be constructed from scenes in the movie, frequent and annoyingly incoherent interruptions by Johnny Depp in street clothes, and the fight scene between Iron Man and Olaf. And that lengthy bit with Owen Wilson insisting Cars 3 will not terrify kids way too young to remember the original movies…not sure why that was jarringly cut into the middle of an otherwise exciting space battle.
Should you see it? Definitely, if the alternative is merely hearing the sound track. You could wait for it to go to video, or if you’re like ’Puter, you’ll wait until it’s acted out by the local high school fine arts club as a Friday night performance.
Meantime, we do have plenty of ribs left over from last night’s barbecue in the main aisle. So now that our heartburn has quieted down, we shall resume chewing those bones.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.