‘Puter’s Democrat friends are pushing Hillary Clinton like mad. “Hillary’s the greatest thing EVAH!!1! and will totes beat any Republican,” they tell ‘Puter. Are ‘Puter’s friends right? Is a Hillary Clinton presidency inevitable?
‘Puter thinks Mrs. Clinton’s in far more trouble in 2016 than Democrats want to admit. Here’s why.
- Bernie Sanders is surging in early polling. Recent polls out of Iowa and New Hampshire show Sen. Sanders’ support growing rapidly, and Mrs. Clinton’s support holding steady or dropping off. It’s not a good sign when voters see a self-proclaimed socialist as a credible alternative to you.
- Democrats don’t really like Mrs. Clinton. The Democrats’ base is in full-on Elizabeth Warren mode, longing for a candidate to proudly (and wrongly) proclaim America’s salvation can be found in an all-powerful central government and ever-higher taxes. Mrs. Clinton is beholden to Wall Street money and K Street graft for her success, which isn’t exactly on the Warren Wing’s “KIL ALL TEH 1 PURSENTURZ!!1!” wish list.
- The press doesn’t particularly like Mrs. Clinton. The Hillary 2016 campaign has gone out of its way to avoid press availability. Mrs. Clinton won’t answer questions from anyone – press or public – except in the most scripted, controlled situations. It also doesn’t help Mrs. Clinton’s likeability that she expects the press to cover for her egregious acts (e.g., memory-holing her home email server) without receiving anything in return.
- Clinton’s not a minority. Sure, Mrs. Clinton’s a Vagina-American, but women are a majority in the country, and loads of women vote Republican. Being female doesn’t say as much about voter loyalty as does, say, being Black. Reassembling the Obama coalition is going to be stretch from Mrs. Clinton, since she’s as White as a crustless mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder Bread.
- Clinton is rich. Sure, Mrs. Clinton pretends to be a woman of the people, but her claim is unbelievable. No one believes the Clintons were “broke” when they left the White House. The Clintons live in a mansion in Chappaqua, New York, when not jetting around the globe on Clinton Foundation kickback collection junkets humanitarian relief trips. Mrs. Clinton routinely received $300,000.00 for one hour speeches. The Clintons are conservatively worth over $100 million. The Clintons are not middle class, and no one in the middle class believes they are.
- The Democrat base trends young. Does anyone truly believe Mrs. Clinton is the face of a new generation? If anything, Mrs. Clinton looks like the worst narcissistic Boomer ever, vainly attempting to relive the glory days of the 1960s, when Democrats showed America why it hates Boomers and Democrats. Young voters aren’t going to be “fired up, ready to go” for Mrs. Clinton like they were, twice, for President Obama.
- Scandal is on the Clinton family like white on rice. If you think we’ve seen the last Clinton scandal to erupt this election cycle, you’re fooling yourself. Bill Clinton alone is one man scandal machine. Add greedy, power-hungry Hillary Clinton to the mix, and you’ve got Scandal, Inc. There will be a 2016 version of Whitewater, or the Rose Law Firm billing records, or Monica Lewinsky. Trust ‘Puter. He’s seen this show before.
- Clinton voted for the Iraq War. It is an article of faith among Democrats that the Iraq war was a Very Bad Thing ab initio. Anyone who voted to authorize the Iraq War is a RETHUGLIKKKAN TOOL OF THE BUSHITLERBURTON-CHENEY WAR MASHEEN!!1!. Mrs. Clinton cannot explain her way out of the vote without seeming duplicitous to her own voters.
- Clinton’s legacy as Secretary of State is abysmal. Nearly every hostile country became more hostile to the United States on her watch. Russia, Iran, North Korea and China are flexing their military muscles. Many allies became less friendly to the United States on her watch, Israel, the United Kingdom, Germany and France among them. ‘Puter’s not even mentioning the Benghazi debacle. Mrs. Clinton can attempt to push her failures off as merely implementing Mr. Obama’s policies, but Americans won’t see that. Mrs. Clinton was Secretary of State, and the State Department’s failures are on her shoulders.
Of course, ‘Puter’s betting none of this matters to die hard Democrat voters. They didn’t care Sen. Edward M. Kennedy drunkenly killed a woman. They didn’t care Sen. Robert J. Byrd was a high-ranking Klansman for years. They’re going to vote for Mrs. Clinton regardless of her proven history of lying, cheating and stealing to enrich herself and her family.
But ‘Puter’s betting a lot of independent voters aren’t quite so forgiving. Many of them remember the Bill Clinton presidency and its scandals. Independent voters were willing to tolerate Bill Clinton’s scandals because the economy was doing well and America was at peace. Neither of these two factors is at play today.
Republicans also have a strong field of candidates, some of whom could make Mrs. Clinton’s path to the White House anything but assured. Of course, being the Republicans, we will self-destruct through some combination of: (1) nominating someone because it’s his turn, (2) unnecessarily smearing good candidates reducing their viability in the general, and (3) refusing to vote for an “impure” (read, “ZOMG!!one! HE DUZN’T VOTE ECKZAKTLY LIK MEEE!!1!”) candidate.
Mrs. Clinton may well end up winning the 2016 presidential election, but she is by no means the shoo-in her campaign pretends her to be.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.