‘Puter Does #SOTU, Hilarity Ensues
‘Puter watched part of President Obama’s State of the Union address last night. Upon seeing Mr. Obama wink knowingly at the assembled Congress, ‘Puter turned off the television. Obama has no respect for the dignity of the office he occupies.
Not having watched Obama’s “too cool for school” delivery, ‘Puter spent the morning sifting through the “as prepared” text of Obama’s address to provide you his thoughts. Obama’s State of the Union Address can be found here.
The president’s speech was an insouciant mélange of progressive fantasies, liberal tropes and policy asks with no hope of enactment. And that’s the best ‘Puter can say about it. President Obama’s speech covered three main areas: the economy/jobs, foreign policy and political unity. ‘Puter will briefly touch on each, and then conclude with some thoughts of his own.
Will we accept an economy where only a few of us do spectacularly well? Or will we commit ourselves to an economy that generates rising incomes and chances for everyone who makes the effort?*
Mr. Obama’s economic policies are break-the-bank bad, and would surely punish rather than help the middle class. How can any rational human with any business experience believe radically increasing the minimum wage and forcing businesses to provide seven days of paid sick leave a won’t negatively impact employment? If it costs more to hire employees, fewer employees will be hired and prices will rise.
‘Puter also marveled at the laundry list of new programs Mr. Obama requested: a $3,000 per child, per year child care tax credit; the aforementioned seven days of paid sick leave per year; the recycled and untrue “pay women the same as men” position; a higher minimum wage; free community college; a massive and undefined infrastructure plan; the undefined and scary sounding “Precision Medicine Initiative; free internet for everyone; and last but not least, MOAR GREENE JERBS!!1!
And how is America going to pay for Obama’s Never-Ending, Magically Always Full Gravy Train? With higher taxes on “the rich,” of course. Obama stands in the well of a new Congress, recently elected to stand against and undo the Democrats’ many debacles, and Obama’s got the audacity to propose more taxes. Here Obama stands. He can do no other.
‘Puter’s pretty sure that insulting the newly elected Congress by taunting them with programs and taxes Obama knows darned well Congress will never enact isn’t a way to make friends and influence people. ‘Puter’s also pretty sure Obama doesn’t give a damn
II. Foreign Policy
Will we approach the world fearful and reactive, dragged into costly conflicts that strain our military and set back our standing? Or will we lead wisely, using all elements of our power to defeat new threats and protect our planet?*
Here’s the fundamental unseriousness of Democrats and Obama on foreign policy distilled down to two groovy sentences: “The Pentagon says that climate change poses immediate risks to our national security. We should act like it.”
We’re too dumb to realize it, but the Islamist terrorists running around the Middle East beheading our fellow Americans and destabilizing the entire region aren’t America’s most pressing foreign policy problem. Nor is a revanchist Russia, led by a sociopath bent on restoring the never-were glory days of the Empire, a serious problem, never mind Putin’s little adventure in Ukraine.
It’s global warming that poses an existential threat to America. It’s global warming that demands our military’s full attention. It’s global warming, all day, erry day to these no-talent ass clowns.
It’s seldom a leader commits his country to national suicide, but, hey, Obama’s going to Obama. May God have mercy on our souls.
III. National Unity
Will we allow ourselves to be sorted into factions and turned against one another — or will we recapture the sense of common purpose that has always propelled America forward?*
In the last portion of his BESTIST SPEECH EVAH!!1!eleventy!!!, Obama returns to familiar territory, alleging he is above reproach and it’s those dirty, nasty Republicans who continue to prevent America from becoming the best America it can be.
Barf. This indigestible and spew-worthy rhetoric may excite low information voters and the Democrat base (‘Puter repeats himself), but it’s laughable coming from a man who crammed ObamaCare down the throats of an unwilling nation using parliamentary trickery, thuggish tactics and outright lies without a single Republican vote. Let’s take a gander, shall we?
Imagine if we broke out of these tired old patterns. Imagine if we did something different.
Understand — a better politics isn’t one where Democrats abandon their agenda or Republicans simply embrace mine.
A better politics is one where we appeal to each other’s basic decency instead of our basest fears.
A better politics is one where we debate without demonizing each other; where we talk issues, and values, and principles, and facts, rather than “gotcha” moments, or trivial gaffes, or fake controversies that have nothing to do with people’s daily lives.
It’s interesting Obama accuses Congress of his own crimes. Obama’s the one who for six years has done nothing different, preferring strong arm tactics to compromise, insisting it’s his way or the highway, pandering to voters’ basest fears to secure election twice and reveling in “gotcha” moments. It’s his stock in trade.
In conclusion, ‘Puter finds Obama’s 2015 State of the Union address a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
* ‘Puter finds these three quotes especially telling. These occur early in Obama’s speech and set up the framework for his discussion. Notably, each of these quotes presents a false choice, another favorite Obama speech device. Our president’s an empty suit, long on rhetorical devices and short on accomplishments.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.