It’s a well-known fact in technology circles that all i-devices, like the iPhone, iPad, iPod, and PudThaI, are virtually identical devices that all do exactly the same things and have precisely the same parts in size.
it’s also true that eventually your iPad (or whatever) will suffer damage—a drop, a kick, a well-aimed .50 caliber round finally and deservedly put through the center of it. And as you know, Apple will happily charge you up to several hundred thousand dollars just to sneer at it and remind you that you should have bought the current model which prevents exactly that sort of thing.
Well, don’t throw your money away! Of course, no one actually really does that, do they? But even figuratively or literally, don’t throw your money away! The Czar will use his copious experience of smashing iPads into pieces to show you how you can repair your own iPad for little money.First, make sure it’s damaged. Sometimes, it just needs a restart. So if it isn’t actually broken, now would be a good time to crack or snap a piece off of it.
The second thing to do is get it open. You can’t fix much on an iPad from the outside, so come back into the house and open her up. To do this, use a reciprocating saw and cut right down the center of the iPad housing.
Once the iPad is open, carefully peel away any of the layers of fat. As an aside, you can count the rings on the inside of the glass front to determine the exact age of your iPad. Thicker rings account for fast-growth years, and thinner rings reveal a time of less water. Interestingly, this exact sort of science is behind climate change study proposals.
Remove the central processor of the iPad by unlatching it. It’s easy to recognize: it is a large, thirty-foot-tall structure with plasma bolts shooting from it. Be sure you do not decouple the Krell safety latch marked in orange or you will unleash a psychic beast from the id.
With the processor off and in your hand, blow any dust or debris away from the base. Some debris, especially if it is very ancient, can be valuable so vacuum with care.
Twist the hood cover bolts counter-clockwise (lefty loosey), and raise the hood. The engine block is accessible easily. On iPad Airs, the clamshell hood opens from left to right; all other iPad hoods raise from right to left.
Detach the muffler and blow into it. If the muffler is clean, it should emit a low, soothing trombone-like sound. Experiment with placing your fingers over the various holes. Some iPad repair experts can do chromatic scales up and down quite rapidly; the Czar has never managed this feat and at best can honk out “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Or the alphabet song; you never can tell.
With the spark plugs exposed, now would be a good time to change them. The iPad uses CJ8 plugs, available at any home improvement store or automotive store. Don’t buy the Apple spark plugs: they cost twice what they should. Like Hello Kitty apparel. By the way, if you can get Hello Kitty spark plugs, a portion of that goes right into the Czar’s pocket.
Change all fluids in the iPad at this time. Apple has made this easier with the iPad: you can now just pour a cup of water into it and the fluids will all go right where they are supposed to. Blot up any excess.
Rubbing bow string wax carefully between your fingers to soften it, apply a light coating of the wax to the string. Be sure to work the wax into the individual fibers of the string until any fuzzy pieces are smoothed away. Your string should look shiny and new. Do not apply wax to the serving. If you elect to replace the string, note the iPad only uses synthetic strings. Rather than busy yourself unnecessarily with the Cupertino knot, yes: you can use a regular Flemish knot to reattach the string.
All right, that’s about it. Replace the central processor and muffler in the reverse order and latch it all down. Seal the case with WD-40 to keep rain out of it, taking care to ensure no WD-40 gets into the rubberized Wifi port. Boot up your iPad.
At the Apple logo, be sure to recalibrate the digitizer panel by refreshing the cache configuration settings, and renew any licensing lease on the DMS applet by releasing the SSID. That’s pretty much all there is to it.
And enjoy your like-brand-new iPad. For best results, place it back into its original box, and set it on a shelf for the next couple years.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.