Our beloved Hello Kitty has been making headlines lately. There has been debate among the chattering classes that the official [mouthless] spokesmodel of the Gormogons has been revealed not to be a cat, and is simply an albino British school girl with pointy ears.
As your Gormogons are the puppet masters behind the worldwide phenomenon that is Hello Kitty, it is time that the truth is revealed, and the six facets of Hello Kitty will be shared with you, our followers, by each and every one of your Gormogons.
She was a virgin birth, born to one of the Sisters of Plenitude in the year Five Billion. She stubbled into my Time Machine during a trip to New New York on New Earth. She wandered off during one of my trips to the past.
Confucius* says that while many describe Hello Kitty as having her ancestral roots in post Perry Japan, a projection of the the Japanese aristocratic society felinoerotic ideal of the western woman, the first description of her dates to pre-Mongol Turkey where the Cult of the Screaming Mute held influence over the corrupt reign of Ala al-Din Kayqubad I’s court. The sisterhood kept feline familiars and in an act of solidarity sewed their lips shut for reasons that remain a mystery to this day. Marco Polo had two members of the sisterhood in his entourage as he traveled east. It is believed that they brought the iconography Ibeda-al-kitteh to China, where they were shunned and reviled, traveling over the China Sea to Japan.
*For those who came in late: Confucius holds the office of Œcumenical Volgi.
The Czar asks, “Why are you bothering him with this now. This is old news, and clearly debunked, it’s as if you’ve been out of town, and are catching up on old newspapers, Dr. J.!”
Your Mandarin is of the opinion that despite this setback, the the Hello Kitty theme on the mind control ray remains fully operational…
‘Puter, rocking back and forth, “Hello Kitty IS REAL. SHE IS A REAL CATPERSONTHING!!!!ElevENTY!!!!!0NE!!!212121!!!!!”
Meh, only 4 more months until anthropomorphic ponies return, displacing the mouthless feline.