|Sorry, folks. It’s long past time you started paying
your own bills for your risky, beachfront properties
instead of sticking Kansans with the bill.
Actions have consequences. Unless, of course, Washington politicians insulate you from your action’s consequences with a generous application of other people’s money. And that’s the federal flood insurance program in a nutshell.
People who live in flood zones know or should know there’s a very real possibility that their home will be destroyed by a flood in any given year. That’s why they’re called flood zones. Duh.
But Americans like living by the water, and Americans can vote. Therefore, Congress came up with the federal flood insurance program, where, until very recently, home owners paid a fraction of the premium their risk merited. Taxpayers were stuck with the difference.
Things went along fairly well until multiple hurricanes in major areas in a short span of time depleted the federal flood insurance program’s reserves. Basically, the flood insurance program was broke. In stepped Rep. Judy Biggert (R-IL) and Rep. Maxine Waters (D-BatShitCrazy) with their Flood Insurance Reform Act.
This Act required home owners in flood zones to bear the actual cost of their premiums. Shockingly, thanks to an unholy marriage between fiscal hawks on the Right and looney environmentalists on the Left, the Act passed.
Now the Act is in trouble. Americans living in flood zones started getting their accurate insurance bills, and they didn’t like what they saw. Many people’s premiums went up four times. Some people’s premiums went up as much as ten times. One woman mentioned in the New York Times article (linked above) had her insurance on a $90,000.00 home go from $595.00 annually to $4,492.00 annually.
To which ‘Puter says, “Tough toenails, lady.” It takes an incredible amount of gall to have collected a $4,000.00 annual subsidy from her neighbors for years to bitch and moan when her neighbors who don’t live in a flood zone finally tell her to pay for her own damned living expenses.
To be fair, phasing in the increase over a number of years would’ve been a better way of reforming the out of whack market, but the end result would be the same: welfare recipients (because that’s what flood insurance purchasers are) complaining they have to bear the consequences of their actions.
If ‘Puter were redesigning the federal flood insurance program, it would go like this:
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.