Jeez, ‘Puter actually spends some time working and the guys nearly tear the Castle down fighting about the metric system.
Really? The metric system? Had you already exhausted the “Who’s the better musician: Justin Bieber or Katy Perry” debate? Hand over your man cards right now. All of you. ‘Puter’s giving them to Dat Ho and Sleestak. The metric system? Man. ‘Puter still can’t believe it.
Look. The metric system (1) sucks and (2) is un-American. Yes, GorT, the metric system is the international scientific standard. And yes, the entire rest of the world pretty much uses it.
But science is for nerds and the rest of the world sucks.
‘Puter doesn’t see chicks lining up for Linus Pauling to autograph their heaving bosoms. Mostly because Dr. Pauling’s dead, but you get ‘Puter’s point.
Bangladesh uses the metric system, and it’s a hellhole, complete with Dickensian sweatshops, but even sweatier because of Bangladesh’s tropical climate. Also, Bangladesh built its country in a frikkin’ river delta,a nd without sewers or running water. So much for the “metric system is for totally smart people” idea.
America doesn’t use the metric system, and it’s the greatest, smartest, bestest place on Earth. Give ‘Puter iPhones and internet porn or give him death! Therefore, the metric system is bad and wrong. ‘Murrica.
So, as the French say, “Quod erat demonstrandum.”
Hey guys! Did you ever think the “i” in “iPhone,” etc. was really a clever Jobsian reference to the square root of negative one?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.