College in the age of the 13th Imam, PBUH!

Gentle Reader,

The Czar, our self-styled merry prankster has gotten each of us more than once. The cherry in ‘Puter’s Manhattan, hilarious stuff!

Dr. J., as an act of revenge, pranked a couple of his roommates sophomore year at Ivy U.

By way of background: When Dr. J. was at Ivy U., they hired an administrator, we will call Carl Jr.*, whose job it was to curtail binge drinking on campus.

Carl Jr. was actually a terrific guy. He was in his late fifties, but a pleasant, approachable chap. He met with a lot of students, even chatting us up when we were headed to and from the Fraternity houses, pub nights, and bars.  He wasn’t judgmental, but wanted to work with students so that they would want to curtail their own excessive drinking, because, face it, there will be drinking at college regardless.

Animal House, the college prankery at its finest!

Consequently, Dr. J. changed our answering machine greeting, with Dr. J.’s best friend doing his best Carl Jr. impersonation to the following:

“Hi, this is Carl Jr., me and the boys from 325 Livingston Hall are out on a keg run, please leave a message.”

Within the week, we got a message left on our answering machine from Carl Jr. himself telling us that a student told him about it. He found the whole thing hilarious.

Despite that, one of Dr. J.’s roommates asked him to delete it, which Dr. J. told him he would, but didn’t, as Carl Jr. was fine with it, and the roommate was overruled by the other 3 roommates.

So, a few weeks later, Dr. J. broke his ankle and was issued a golf cart to get to and from class, as Ivy University is a large campus on a hill. It is not crutch friendly. One night, after Dr. J. turned in, two of his roommates woke him at 10 PM  saying, “Dude, it’s FREEZING outside and we want to go get subs. Can we borrow your golf cart?”

Schtupping the Professor’s daughter, the ultimate college prank!

Dr. J. said, “No, we’re not supposed to lend them out to friends. Furthermore the sub shop is off campus.”

After unrelenting begging, cajoling and harassment, to the point that they weren’t going to let Dr. J. go back to sleep, he said, “Fine! Here are the rules. Drive straight to the library. Walk from the library to the sub shop, drive straight back, and take my crutches with you to make it look like one of you is hurt. If the campus police find out that my golf cart was used by someone else, I lose it, and I need it to get to chemistry class and then practice!”

Dr. J. went back to sleep.

At two AM, one hour after the sub shop closed, he heard a pounding on his bedroom door.

“Dude, we’re sooooo sorry!”

Dr. J. asked what the heck they were talking about. They related a tale of woe where they were doing donuts, and went down a hill not designed for golf carts and smashed into a bike rack. Dr. J. then received a phone call by campus police recapitulating their yarn and requesting an interview, for which he had to miss part of Organic Chemistry class. Dr. J. was very cross.

We all got off with respective warnings, after Dr. J. was bullied a little by the only unpleasant fellow on the otherwise wonderful campus police force, but he got to keep the cart.

So, it was time for revenge…

Reprograming the Kobayashi Maru, future classic college prank!

Dr. J. decided to scare the crap out of his roommates.

The next day, Dr. J. had his best friend leave the following message on his answering machine:

“This is Gene Wormer,* Dean of Students. This is a message for Mike Jones* and Bobby Smith*. I have a report that the two of you were joyriding on a roommate’s golf cart and smashed into a bike rack. I would like to speak to the two of you tomorrow at 2:30 PM in my office in Bentley Hall*. By the way, I do not find your answering machine message amusing, AT ALL!”

Ah hour later,  “DUDE, did you hear?!!?!? Dean Fucking Wormer left a message, he wants to meet with us TOMORROW!?!?!!??! I’m already on probation, I’m going to get expelled!!!! And, he hated that answering machine greeting we wanted you to delete. We’re SO DEAD!”

Dr. J. consoled them saying, “It will be fine, just tell them you got carried away and are very sorry.”

They went to Bentley Hall the next day only to find that not only did they NOT have an appointment, but Dean Wormer was out of town all week for a conference.

When they returned to the room in utter confusion, asking us why the Dean would call a meeting when he was out of town, Dr. J.’s best friend proceeded do his best Dean Wormer impersonation to let them know they were pranked.

*Names changed to protect both the innocent and not so innocent

Dr. J.