‘Puter loves him some Jesus themed art, particularly where it get all altered and memed up and whatnot. ‘Puter thought he’d share a few with you on Halloween, or as we non-pagans call it All Hallows Eve.*
‘Puter thinks this about says it all. Charity isn’t charity if it’s compelled, despite what Democrats like the vile, nominally Roman Catholic E.J. Dionne would like to believe.
Here’s an oldie but a goodie: Jesus, the cool hipster. Now, with removable Sacred Heart! Liberal “Catholics” love this version of “all fun, no sorrow” Jesus. In fact, they like Him so much they created a garbage theology around this fictional assessment called social justice, which is ironically neither social nor just.
And who can forget the moving scene of Jesus’ betrayal and arrest, when Jesus healed the wicked high priest’s slave’s ear that Simon Peter lopped off? Who knew that Jesus, in His infinite wisdom, had a greater plan.
It’s not coincidental that no one heard from that high priest ever again, am I right?
Finally, and on a more serious note, it’s a little known fact that Jesus was a Second Amendment supporter. It only makes sense, what with Moses telling an NRA convention that they could have his gun when they pried it from his cold dead hand. Either that, or Moses told the NRA to keep their G-d damned dirty ape paws off of him. Or something.
That’s a mighty fine lever action Jesus is sporting there. If He’s an Eastern woodlands deer hunter, it’s probably chambered in Winchester .30-30, a darned fine cartridge.
All this is apropos of nothing. ‘Puter’s simply bored with hearing about how ObamaCare’s going to destroy the Temple and Ted Cruz will rebuild it in three days, or some such foofaraw.
*You know, because tomorrow is All Saints Day, a holy day of obligation and Saturday is All Souls Day. We Roman Catholics have a feast day for all occasions, and a patron saint for every affliction.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.