|President Obama assumes his standard
negotiation posture with Congress. “I’d
love to negotiate with you, but first, you
guys abandon your Constitutional duties
Welcome back to ‘Puter Does the Debt Limit! All your Gormogons hope you’re enjoying ‘Puter providing some right smart learning stuff on a topical issue.
Well, all your Gormogons except the Czar, who’s been in a foul mood since Mrs. The Czar ran off with Sleestak to Suffragette City (also conveniently located on the Plateau of Leng) to catch a David Bowie concert, but that’s another matter entirely.
Back to the debt limit.
In this installment, ‘Puter will walk you through how the government gets money to spend and how the government spends the money it gets. We’re going to spend most of this installment talking about the United States Constitution, more specifically Article I of the Constitution.
Article I pertains to the powers of the Legislative Branch (a/k/a “those bastards up on Capitol Hill who are ruining everything”). If it ain’t in Article I, Congress can’t do it. And if it is in Article I, onlyCongress can do it.
That’s a bit simplistic, but that’s the gist. Got it? Great. Let’s move on.
Only Congress can authorize raising revenue. Only Congress can authorize spending revenue. ‘Puter believes these two critical functions go hand in hand. The Founding Fathers agreed with ‘Puter and conveniently put the two Congressional powers cheek to jowl in the Constitution in Article I, Sections 8 and 9.
What gives Congress the right to raise revenue?
Congress’ enumerated powers detailed in Article I, Section 8 give Congress this right.
For purposes of our discussion, only Clauses 1 and 2 of Section 8 are relevant. Clauses 1 and 2 provide the Congress shall have power:
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.