Well, are you? With all the bias in today’s media, you could be a liberal and not even consciously realize it. Heck, you could be marching naked in an amnesty rally right now. This simple news-related test—surprisingly unerring, by the by—can help you identify whether you are liberal or intellectually endowed:

1. The Supreme Court is hearing arguments that challenge the constitutionality of affirmative action. This case was originally brought to trial because:
1. A university believes that affirmative action penalizes white students solely reasons of race.
2. Racial equality is artificially extended.
3. Republicans are racist.
2. The primary reason the shutdown is continuing to stagnate in Congress is because:
1. Conservatives will not accept a concession-free settlement.
2. Obamacare is the law of the land.
3. Republicans hate Barack Obama out of racism.
3. San Diego ex-mayor Bob Filner is back in the news because:
1. He pleaded guilty to 3 criminal counts.
2. He wrote a book about his experiences.
3. Republicans tricked him into molesting women because they hate women and blacks.
4. Iran is agreeing to negotiate with the United States because:
1. They are buying just enough time to finalize and hide their nuclear program.
2. They suddenly realize no one likes them and now want to rebrand themselves.
3. Republicans hate Barack Obama because he is black and they are racist.
5. President Obama has resisted any effort to authorize the Keystone XL pipeline because:
1. He believes there is plenty of oil in North Dakota already.
2. He believes we benefit financially from higher gasoline taxes at the pump.
3. Republicans are racist and evil and they hate Barack Obama.
6. Fox has a 2:1 lead over CNN and a 4:1 lead over MSNBC because:
1. They offer a more balanced opinion than the other networks.
2. People are tired of the shrill, undereducated opinions on the other two networks.
3. Republican racists control the news media because they hate Barack Obama.
7. An injured kangaroo hopped into an Australian airport because:
1. He was injured and confused.
2. There are kangaroos everywhere in Australia.
3. That’s exactly what Republicans do: injure animals and then try to get them to go into airports.
8. Six Flags denies liability in the wrongful death of a roller coaster rider because:
1. They neither design nor construct the coaster, and all safety liability is the responsibility of the engineer.
2. The coaster was operating within safe parameters but the passengers were not obeying safety instructions. God, why do you think they tell you to sit your ass down in the seats and hang on? Because they want to deny you the imaginary thrill of raising your hands up? No, dummies, because you freaking fly out of the car.
3. Republicans cut safety out of amusement parks as part of the sequester since they hate Barack Obama.
9. A girl was driven to suicide by relentless, organized bullying by 15 other girls. The 14-year-old ringleader expressed no remorse at all because:
1. Most overly sheltered teenagers express some sort of sociopathic immaturity and will not realize the horror of her actions until she is older.
2. The real problem is with the ringleader’s parents.
3. The ringleader was Mitt Romney, who is a Republican and hates liberals because they are black like Barack Obama.
10. University of Buffalo researchers believe they can turn the world’s oceans into a giant wireless access point to create a powerful network of high-speed communications, earthquake and tsunami warning sensors, and research equipment. The most immediate benefit of this would be:
1. The ability to have incredibly cheap long-distance calling between countries.
2. The ability to receive disaster warnings hours before trouble reaches the nearest coastlines, giving preparedness teams a lot of time to move the most at-risk occupants to safety.
3. Republicans hate Barack Obama because he is black, and they are racist mysoginists misoginists women-haters who want to force them to be pregnant and restart the civil war and put blacks in chains because they are racist unlike Barack Obama who is truly the giver of light and wonder and Obamacare and he is black and we voted for him because we are not racists even though we keep bringing up the fact he is black every couple of seconds but to be fair that might just be our limited attention span.

Scoring: Give yourself 5 points for every “c” answer you gave. If you have more than 2 points, you are a moron liberal. Congratulations. Now go find a Facebook page to deface.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.