|‘Puter’s not certain if this is a Pride
Parade or the Gayest Mardi Gras
EverTM, but he likes the color
scheme and the horns. Mostly the
Operative BG raises some wonderful points ‘Puter overlooked in his haste to publish his series before it became stale.*
Well put, loyal Operative. Congress has powers, not rights. Forgive ‘Puter’s hasty shorthand. ‘Puter does his best to be accurate and correct (and scathing) at all times, but sometimes he falls short of his own high standards.
Thanks for writing in.
As always, if you have comments or questions, feel free to write us at the email addresses below. And no, we will not turn on comments because they’re a pain to manage and they attract trolls. So don’t ask or Volgi will disappear you.
*As a memo to Operative BG, ‘Puter would’ve gotten to your missive sooner if you hadn’t rubbed coca leaves all over it and hidden it in a shipment of coffee. Narcs really hate it when they’re expecting a multi-million dollar drug bust and they’re left with a coded letter carved into a National Park Service badge, charmingly illumined with what appears to be panda blood.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.