This is weird.

The Czar received not one but two emails within minutes of each other regarding a claim on the Internet that Sleestak may have shot Trayvon Martin. First, Borepatch wrote in followed a few moments later by Chiefjaybob, the latter to be quoted* forthwith:

Your Most Highly Exalted, Inimitable, Remarkable, &ct., &ct., &ct., Czariness:

If my feeble memory serves me correctly, you are a reader of the Ace of Spades blog; if so, I’m sure you saw the link to this story blaming the Zimmerman debacle on Sleestak. I humbly link it here for your contrivance.

Please don’t kill me today. I am, as always,

Your most humble servant;

Chiefjaybob, EMT-P, CPR, FO-II, Inst-II, ISO, HazMat I/C, FSVO

Fortunately, this was not our Sleestak, who is (a) not a real Sleestak but an ugly bastard who looks exactly like one; Sleestak was hatched, some say, from an egg in the kitchen a couple decades ago; others claim he simply followed ‘Puter home one day. Whichever the case, he is not a prehistoric creature even if his actual history remains cloudy.

You all might know this, if Volgi ever gets around to uploading our Visitor’s Guide to the Castle Gormogon which contains detailed biographies on us all.

Sleestak does, however, follow ‘Puter around almost exclusively; that whole reptilian imprinting thing. But while ‘Puter might entrust the lizard man to carry a punt gun out to the Bestiary to frighten the critters once in a while, Sleestak is completely incapable of firing a conventional weapon with his split-clawed, bifurcated hand. It won’t take an Atticus Finch to convince a jury Sleestak’s not your guy.

*Might as well, as Borepatch simply wrote in with “Oh my God.”

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.