‘Puter’s Totally Not Homophobic And Life-Affirming Male Bag!
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| The 2013 All-Castle Pride Parade Male Chorus prepares to sing its a cappella version of U2’s Pride: In the Name of Man on Man Love |
‘Puter’s gotten more mail this week than he has in some time, so he’s trying to be more timely in sharing some of his missives and responding where required. ‘Puter’s guessing his email correspondence has fallen off a bit because he’s uniquely horrible about timely responding, so he’s trying to change his ways.
First up, Operative S.M. writes in from Ceylon where he is searching for sapphires to feed the Castle’s flock of overly-pampered Stymphalian birds. Czar has great fun with the Castle’s crop of minions in training, testing them by sending them to hand-feed the flock. Only minions who refuse to do so pass, as the Stymphalian birds are man-eaters. Since Czar killed off most of the last three classes of minions in training and refuses to stop doing so, Mandy is training the flock to change its eating habits to something more sustainable: flawless sapphires. Anyway, S.M. writes thus on ‘Puter’s brilliant post explaining all you need to know about Detroit’s bankruptcy:
On the whole, I think the City and its Citizens did this to themselves. As that great philosopher Neil Peart wrote, “You can’t get something for nothing.” To paraphrase another of his thoughts, “There are those who think that they were dealt a losing hand; the cards were stacked against them, and they are victims of venomous fate.”
I, however, celebrate Detroit’s citizens’ exercise of their Free Will, and I celebrate this wonderful opportunity for them to enjoy its fruits. Perhaps they may serve as cautionary tale for some other polity.
Having a college degree is the indisputable equivalent of being well-educated.
The law should be more strictly interpreted against law abiding citizens than criminals because racism.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.