Liberalisms, A/K/A Stupid Things Liberals Say

There are no words adequate to describe
the immorality, evil and stupidity inherent
in this liberalism, brought to you by the
shrill, humorless harpies at Code Pink.

‘Puter thinks it’s cute that liberals regurgitate demonstrably false talking points. ‘Puter thinks it’s even cuter when liberals regurgitate demonstrably false talking points as dispositive of complicated ethical, moral and political issues. ‘Puter thinks it’s cutest of all when liberals are outraged that ‘Puter not only doesn’t accept their regurgitated demonstrably false talking points but definitively falsifies them.

‘Puter can almost see the moment when liberals realize they’ve been had. That moment is closely followed by rage and anger as liberals willfully disbelieve the facts, returning to the smug comfort of their “unimpeachable” regurgitated talking points.

‘Puter’s had such a great time with liberals’ regurgitated, demonstrably false talking points that he’s coined a new word to describe them: liberalisms.

Here are but a few of ‘Puter’s all-time favorite liberalisms:

· Abortion should be safe, legal and rare.

· All criticism of Black people (males especially) by White people, no matter how minor or appropriate, is racist per se.

· No criticism of White people (males especially) by Black people, no matter how outrageous or inappropriate, is racist, ever.

· The National Debt is unimportant.

· Budget deficits are unimportant.

· Social Security is solvent.

· Banning guns makes law-abiding citizens safe.

· Immigration reform as proposed by Democrats is not blanket amnesty.

· Every child should go to college.

· Raising taxes on the rich has no impact on the economy.

· The Affordable Care Act will solve all America’s health care problems.

· The Great Recession’s sole cause was Wall Street “banksters.”

· The GM and Chrysler bailouts worked.

· President Obama knows how to fix the economy but Republicans won’t let him.

· There is no media bias in favor of liberals.

When one puts one’s faith in bumper-sticker logic, one shouldn’t be surprised when ‘Puter depantses one in public.

Feel free to share some of your favorite liberalisms with ‘Puter. If they’re any good, ‘Puter may post them. Then again, ‘Puter may not. It’s hard to tell what ‘Puter will or won’t do, mostly because he’s usually incoherently drunk with Czar down at the Leaping Peacock.

Ta ta for now, loyal minions!

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.