“Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible To feeling as to sight? or art thou but A dagger of the mind, a false creation, Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain? I see thee yet, in form as palpable As this which now I draw.” Jeez, but Shane Black is a hell of a dialogue writer. That’s good stuff.

Well, the Czar packed everybody into the palanquin, and off we went to the Muscovy Cinematorium to take in a private showing of Iron Man Three (which is how it was rendered in the credits). The Czar naturally assumes you want a review of the movie.

Frankly, you don’t need one. If you’re a fan of these kinds of movies, you will see it anyway. Really, the Czar cannot fathom the fuss about this film: some reviewers are giving it low marks, but then proceed to list everything they loved about the movie. All right, we will tell you why they are doing this: because most film critics are liberal weenies, and Iron Man Three is unapologetically pro-American. Even liberal hero Bill Maher makes a cameo as himself, and portrays himself as an anti-Iron Patriot whiner. The President, who in surprising contrast to nearly all Hollywood movie presidents in the last ten years, is white. And based on his ability to grab a gun during a crisis, one assumes a Republican. That kind of stuff right there is why critics are loving this movie but giving it two stars or less.

All right, to the actual movie:

Is it true Iron Man meets Speed Racer?

Yes, but this scene is handled delicately and intelligently. Most children will not even recognize they’re talking about Sparky being “that way.”

Are the other Avengers in this movie?

No, but many members of the Justice League of America are shown in cameos, out of costumes, and portraying out-of-work actors.

Any particular standout actors?

John Goodman does a very good job in nearly everything he’s in. He is not, however, in Iron Man Three.

Does Stark display any cool cutting edge technologies?

Indeed! Be on the lookout for a clanky, heavy dark suit called Eisenmensch. It speaks only German and has a tendency to acquire parts of other suits without their pemission.

Should we stay for any after-credits scenes?

Yes, and be alert for a pre-credits scene, as well as a mid-credits scene, and an interesting use of intra-credits scenes where they interrupt the action by showing pieces of the film crew.

Any Easter eggs in this movie?

Yes, fanboiz should be on the lookout for actors making appearances from the first two films, such as Heavy #5 from Iron Man, the fifteenth racecar driver from Iron Man 2, one of the people from the train station in Avengers, and of course one of the mo-cap guys from all these movies making a return appearances as a special effect construct. Also, a palm tree is disturbingly familiar.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.