Maybe if the NYT made up a fake hate crime to smear Republicans, they’d finally fall into line. After all, it worked out so well for liberal feminist blogger Meg Lanker-Simmons. Pity her poor husband, pictured, whose eyes seem to beg for death’s sweet release.

David Firestone takes to the electronic pages of the New York Times‘ Editorial Page Editor’s blog to piss and moan that mean old Republicans are behaving irrationally with the sole goal of maliciously weakening President Obama, thereby dooming liberals’ dreams of a Utopian society.

Mr. Firestone’s anti-Republican screed is subtly titled How to Weaken a President.

Not for nothing, ‘Puter didn’t realize Republicans were quite as powerful as Mr. Firestone and his fellow travelers editors seem to believe. ‘Puter chalked Obama’s failures up to hubris, bad ideas and unpopularity, but then again, ‘Puter’s not the brightest bulb on the tree.

Mr Firestone, who is clearly ‘Puter’s intellectual superior in every way, has read the sacrificial goat’s entrails and determined Republican opposition to Obama’s gun control legislation and anticipated Republican opposition to the forthcoming Gang of Eight Senate immigration bill is irrefutable proof of Republican malice aforethought. 

Lest you think ‘Puter is overstating Mr. Firestone’s irrational hatred of Republicans, ‘Puter cites to the words of Mr. Firestone himself:

It doesn’t really matter how many business groups say the immigration system has to change, or how many suburban voters are disgusted by the easy access to guns for criminals. For these Republicans, the visceral hatred of the president is their only guiding star, and they are absolutely convinced the voters in their districts feel the same way.

For a publication that prides itself on being the voice of reason on the Left, the New York Times certainly publishes a lot of logic-free, hateful invective.

For the edification of those of you who may agree with Mr. Firestone’s assessment of the Republican party, let ‘Puter provide a few alternate (and unlike Mr. Firestone’s take, plausible) explanations for Republican opposition to gun control and immigration.

Republicans’ core beliefs require opposition to the gun control and immigration measures as presented.

This is not to say that Republicans are against rational and constitutionally appropriate gun control laws, because the vast majority of us are. What we stand opposed to are poorly drafted and overreaching laws, intended not to solve the problem presented, but to increase government control over American citizens’ God given rights, thereby minimizing our freedoms.

On immigration, many Republicans know that America’s immigration laws are a mess, from misweighted allocation of visas to manual labor as opposed to skilled labor to nonexistent border and visa enforcement.  Republicans would dearly love to reach a deal on immigration, not leastwise because they’re terrified America’s minorities will never vote for them again. 

But ‘Puter’s not surprised that Republicans aren’t keen on granting amnesty to 11,000,000 illegal aliens. Nor should Mr. Firestone be similarly surprised.  Republicans went along with a similar amnesty in 1986 on the Democrats’ promise that they’d totally secure the border Tuesday for a hamburger amnesty today. Why would any Republican in his right mind trust the Democrats on the same issue today?

Here’s the simple truth, one that apparently is beyond the Left’s comprehension. Obama’s presidency is failing because Obama has been an ineffective, arbitrary, vindictive and feckless president.

Obama and the Left have no one to blame for their failures but themselves.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.