“Fair Share, ‘Puter’s Pudgy Middle-Aged Ass!”: Tax Day Rant
|They didn’t call him Learned
Hand for nothing. He was one
of America’s greatest jurists,
bar none. After ‘Puter, of course.
Here’s several things to keep in mind today as we Fifty Three Percenters suck it up and support the freeloading loafers laying claim to our hard earned dollars as they kick back and wait for their government checks to roll in.
And yes, ‘Puter’s including everyone who “retires” at 62 to live off Social Security, which was intended by FDR to be an insurance policy, not a federal pension, as freeloading loafers. You’re nothing more than a relatively well off welfare recipient, so quit looking so smug. If you’re not paying your own way, then ‘Puter’s got no use for you bitching about the quality of lifestyle he affords you.
On this bleakest of days, there is hope. Let’s remember the wisdom of Judge Learned Hand sitting on the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. Judge Hand wrote in his dissent in Commissioner v. Newman, 159 F.2d 848, 851 (2d Cir. 1947), way back in the post-WWII years:
Over and over again courts have said that there is nothing sinister in so arranging one’s affairs as to keep taxes as low as possible. Everybody does so, rich or poor; and all do right, for nobody owes any public duty to pay more than the law demands: taxes are enforced exactions, not voluntary contributions. To demand more in the name of morals is mere cant.
You get that, right? No matter how much money you make, and now matter how you made it not only don’t you have to pay more in taxes than you are legally obligated to pay, but you’re a fool if you do so knowingly.
Despite liberals’ “moral cant” (“ZOMG! PAYZ UR FARE SHARZES!1!!one!!”), taxes are exactly what Learned Hand calls them: enforced exactions, not voluntary contributions. If leftist do-gooders want to harangue me like the humorless shills for Democrat politics they are for a paucity of charitable contributions by me, then fine. But God help them if a single person questions ‘Puter’s morality for limiting his taxable income.
Liberals’ incessant questioning of the evil rich’s (read: anyone making more than they do) morals in taking the minimum action the state requires to comply with its tax mandate is weak tea indeed.
After all, if the state forces you to take an otherwise neutral action (i.e., paying taxes), and you take such action because it’s required under great penalty (financial penalties, wage garnishment, jail time, etc.), why are you moral?
‘Puter’ll tell you what’s moral. Moral is quietly giving chunks of money to charitable causes, such as your church or your local food pantry. Morality is anonymously paying tuition to Catholic school for those who couldn’t otherwise afford it. Morality is going about your daily business, helping others when you can and how you are best able, and asking nothing in return.
But that’s not what liberals want. Liberals crave attention. And state imposition and enforcement of some twisted notion of “fairness.” How is it fair that ‘Puter pays a significant chunk of his income while a rapidly approaching majority of his fellow citizens pay exactly nothing? If we’re all in this together, then the lease ‘Puter’s fellow citizens could do is pay something, anything, towards the upkeep of our nation. Until each and every able-bodied person over the age of 18 in this country must file an annual income tax return and pay a minimum income tax of $1.00 under pain of losing eligibility for welfare benefits, those of you on the left can shut the Hell up.
The preening asshats on the Left who run to the microphone to inform us of their moral superiority for paying their taxes is not morality. These jackasses don’t get it. Should we congratulate them for not murdering someone today? How about throwing them a party for not drunkenly mowing down a bus stop full of school kids after starting their day with a six martini breakfast?
“Look at me! I obey the law!” Well, whoop-de-doo, Mr. and Mrs. Fancypants Liberal. So does ‘Puter, and so do most of ‘Puter’s friends. You’re nothing special. Quite the opposite, in fact. Liberals believe paying taxes buys them an indulgence in The Most Holy Church of Secular Modernism and Cultural Relativism, Barack H. Obama, Pastor. Or maybe it’s simply the liberal equivalent of a tithe to support their sky god, Big Government. Whatever Liberals think it is, it ain’t a moral good.
Taxes are nothing more than the price we pay for the least amount of government necessary. People of good faith surely disagree on how much government is necessary, but no sane person can claim that government today is too small, regardless of one’s political bent.
Finally, ‘Puter asks his reader, liberal and conservative alike, to answer the following question. Assume you are required to pay a large chunk of your income in tax. If you could legally reduce your tax obligation to zero, would you?
If you answered no, you’re lying. And if you answered yes, but support taxes as a means to force others to pay their so-called “fair share,” you’re a hypocritical coward.
And with those kind words, ‘Puter bids you all adieu.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.