Sometimes things almost take care of themselves.

You might remember the Czar complaining yesterday about one of his 46 college roommates showing up for the first time since 1922, trashing the inside and outside of the Castle, demanding to see us. No doubt he wants to borrow more money.

The Czar cannot stand this guy. Fortunately, we only had to see him once yesterday, and he was so drunk that he was passed out. This was good for two reasons: one, we could chuck his butt out the door, and two, we left word with his goofy Mongolian guards that the two of us spent hours having fun, but he was probably too drunk to remember any of it.

But this is just buying time; eventually, of course, the Czar would have to confront him and convince him to leave; except Roman von Ungern-Sternberg would likely go berserk, trash the whole town, and we would get the bill.

The bad news is that he walked back into the Castle this morning, all mosquito-bitten, and bumped right into Ghettoputer. Naturally, he tells ‘Puter what great pals we are, and Geep (who doesn’t know any better) calls up to our room.

Well, the Czar sees ‘Puter’s name on the caller ID and answers it. Ghettoputer starts telling us our old college buddy is right here, when are we coming down, and so on. Furiously, we whisper to ‘Puter the guy is an insufferable ass and to get rid of him.

The good news is that ‘Puter is no dummy, and figures the whole thing out. He tells Roman that there is a whole party in his honor about to go down at the Leaping Peacock, and that we will meet him and ‘Puter there in about five hours.

The Leaping Peacock, as you know, is basically across the road and down a short walk stagger from the Castle; Ghettoputer takes him there and proceeds to get him hammered. Not a little; a lot. And nobody can out-drink ‘Puter—except for your Czar, and that’s only half the time.

So he gets Ungern-Sternberg smashed and then convinces him to try a little cow-tipping. Roman, who is a sadistic bastard, is all for it…but where we gonna get a cow? ‘Puter tells him we have this awesome menagerie back at the Castle, and there can be just enough time to tip a couple before the Czar arrives at the Peacock for the party.

‘Puter takes him over to our zoo and somehow sells Roman on the idea that the animal in Cage 7 is a cow. As frequent visitors know, Cage 7 is the Autmn cage for Mandarin’s pet manticore Barry. Ungern-Sternberg is so sloshed, he falls over the tall fence, and immediately gets speared in the chest by the scorpion tail and eaten.

‘Puter says it’s the funniest goddamned thing he ever saw, and just about loses his liquid right at the fence. He shambled back to the Castle, calls us up, and tells us the good news: the baron was eaten by Barry. Of course, that sounds a lot funnier when an inebriated ‘Puter says it.

Let us hope that this is the last time we see Baron Roman Ungern-Sternberg hanging around here. But like all bad pennies….

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.