‘Puter, like GorT and your Volgi, is a native Washingtonian. In fact, ‘Puter’s family has lived in that area since before Washington, D.C. even existed. As such, ‘Puter claims special insight into Washingtonians’ abject terror at any and all weather event more than one standard deviation from the norm.
|Government workers await public transit
that will never come. Shortly, they will commence
to fling feces at passers by. Later, cannibalism sets in.
Washingtonians run the free world. In their tiny, black hearts, Washingtonians know that they can run their lives better than you, because their unquestionable intellects and Solomonic wisdom have permitted them to master all challenges placed before them.
Our noble and beneficent Washingtonian betters have therefore dictated to ‘Puter the following precautions and preparations to be taken before any major weather event, such as a light, summer breeze.
‘Puter dutifully recorded their proclamations by tattooing the recommendations on a flotilla of trained manatees in endangered whooping crane blood, which manatees ‘Puter then released into the Washington, DC metropolitan area’s sewer systems to share the good news. When a half-crazed manatee covered in bloody tattoos and raw sewage pokes his head up through your toilet’s u-bend, fear not. The manatee is there to help you, providing timely and helpful assistance. When you are finished reading the manatee’s horribly infected tattoos, please return him to the sewer system so that he may assist others. You may need to flush twice, what with these darned government mandated low-flow toilets.
Since ‘Puter’s manatees cannot possibly reach all 50 million or so Americans threatened by Hurricane Sandy, ‘Puter will share with you these helpful hints:
1. When a sub-optimal weather event is forecast as remotely possible in the next three weeks, immediately drive to the nearest grocery store and purchase any and all milk, bread, bottled water and toilet paper you encounter. After all, when the power goes out, you’ll have rancid milk with which to wash down your 42 loaves of moldy bread, and 71 jumbo packs of Brawny (‘Puter’s wipe of choice) and fresh water to clean up after the inevitable and explosive results of ingesting spoiled food. Build a soft, cushy fort with any remaining toilet paper not used in rectify the aforementioned Code Brown.
2. If you cannot get to a grocery store, get to your car. Drive to the nearest interstate highway. Enter the interstate’s traffic flow. When gridlock is established, abandon your car in the middle travel lane lock the car, and walk home. As all Native Washingtonians know, there is no place safer to leave your car than safely parked and locked in the middle of an interstate highway. The state highway departments thoughtfully keep trees cut far from the travel lanes. The odds of your car being struck by a falling tree are much lower on an interstate highway than in your own garage.
3. Preemptively cancel schools for the entire metropolitan area for the foreseeable future. Even though the DC to Baltimore is one of the more heavily populated areas in the United States and the farthest kids would have to walk to safety is across the street, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And since leaving the house at all is fraught with peril from the skies, put a ballot referendum up for vote to require all children under the age of 26 to be laminated and encased in bubble wrap to a minimum depth of 12 inches.
4. Institute a liberal leave policy for federal employees, then close the federal government altogether. Time your announcement so that federal employees have already left for work, worsening the gridlock as the employees attempt to turn around mid-commute and return home. Make sure all employees are paid for not working, regardless of how minimal the storm may be and regardless of remaining vacation. For bonus credit, shut down all public transportation after employees have used it to get to work.
5. All media must insist that this weather event is a cataclysm not only beyond mankind’s experience, but also beyond mankind’s comprehension. Preempt programming frequently with ominous warnings and helpful reminders such as “don’t run gas generators or cooking grills inside your house,” “don’t drive your vehicle into rapidly flowing floodwaters,” “exposed skin freezes in under 5 minutes” and “ZOMG!1!! TEH FROZUN DETH CUMZ FROM TEH SKIEZ!!1!one!! FLEE!!1!!
6. For bonus credit, the media must incessantly repeat the following, when not otherwise occupied with whipping the populace into a perpetual state of weather-induced anxiety: (1) the weather event is plainly caused by global warming, which is George W. Bush’s fault; (2) if President Obama doesn’t win reelection, it’s because this storm prevented people from getting out to vote and not just because you’re a racist white person even though you are racist; and (3) weather records dating back about 150 years are dispositive on the question of whether a similar weather event has ever occurred on the surface of the planet Earth before today.
If you follow these simple suggestions, you are certain to survive your encounter with what our forbears treated as run of the mill and not-unexpected weather events.
*’Puter would like to add the following two disclaimers, along with a suggestion to the gasping ninnies among us to lighten up and enjoy the satire:
1. SANDY IS A REAL THREAT. All people in its projected path should have made preparations and hunkered down by now. ‘Puter is not mocking Washingtonians for their response to this storm, simply noting that Washingtonians are notoriously (and hilariously) unprepared for even the slightest weather event.
2. NATIVE WASHINGTONIANS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. In ‘Puter’s experience, native Washingtonians know they and their city are colossal failures at enduring harsh conditions. As such, natives hunker down for the duration. If there’s three inches of snow, they’ll stay at home and not venture out until it’s all melted. It’s the itinerant politicians and their assorted freak show of bitter clingers, lobbyists and special interest group employees that cause the majority of the problems.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.