‘Puter perused the Wall Street Journal this morning, as he whipped up a batch of lard-boiled narwhal pancreas for breakfast, as is his wont. Somewhere in the middle of the A Section, ‘Puter stumbled upon the photo, above, illustrating an article on joint U.S. Marine Corps – Japan Defense Forces island defense exercises.
‘Puter was about to nonchalantly move on to the next article when it struck ‘Puter that were his Grandad still alive, his reaction to the photo would have been markedly different than ‘Puter’s. ‘Puter’s grandfather was a World War II United States Navy veteran who served for the . ‘Puter’s grandfather died at 66, when ‘Puter was only 6 years old.
One of ‘Puter’s few memories of his grandfather, a most serious German gentleman, fond of his cigarettes and after-work scotches, was when ‘Puter accompanied him to Andrews Air Force Base, where Grandad had commissary privileges. If ‘Puter recalls correctly, Grandad used his commissary privileges to stock up on tax free scotch and cigarettes.
On one of the commissary trips, Grandad took ‘Puter to the Officers’ Club. ‘Puter recalls it being dimly lit, smoke filled, upholstered in red pleather and unusually full for early afternoon. Grandad greeted a few of his friends, briefly introduced me, ordered a quick drink and lit a cigarette. ‘Puter scurried about the club as Grandad had his scotch and cigarette, while the men at the bar talked and laughed. ‘Puter recalls hearing only snippets of the conversation, or maybe it’s simply ‘Puter’s memory playing tricks on him again, but ‘Puter recalls hearing the words “Japs” and “Nips” bandied about. After about half an hour, Grandad collected ‘Puter, and out we went into the blinding mid-summer sun, climbed into his mustard yellow Chrysler New Yorker and headed home.
‘Puter’s a simple man, with limited capacity for higher reasoning, but ‘Puter’s fairly certain of this much. Grandad and his companions at the bar that early 1970s summer day had no love for the Japanese. And ‘Puter’s relatively certain that even though Japan-US relations had dramatically improved by the early 1970s, Grandad still wouldn’t know what to do with cooperative military drills aimed at offsetting China’s rising territorial aspiration.
There’s no point to this post, really. It’s simply a “my, how the world has changed” post, a “time heals all wounds” post. But most of all, it’s a “I wish I had had the opportunity to know my grandfather better” post.
For what it’s worth.
*The title is from the genius Saturday Night Live Will-Ferrell-as-Alex-Trebek skits, in which Darrell Hammond, playing Sean Connery, mocks Alex Trebek incessantly. If you have not experienced these skits, you should use Teh Googel and find them on The U Toob. The title references Hammond’s “Connery” requesting Ferrell’s “Trebek” read an answer from the category “Japan-US Relations,” which Hammond’s Connery pronounces “Jap Anus Relations.”
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.