Military strength, lower spending, lower taxes, free market capitalism and family values are the five legs to the Republican elephant.

Polls continue to show incumbent Barack Obama and challenger Mitt Romney in a statistical tie. The Czar refers to the President as “incumbent” and Romney as a “challenger” in order to sound more like the regular news services, who assume you have no idea the current President is the incumbent, and the guy he runs against is called the challenger. The news services make a lot of assumptions about how clueless Americans are, when in reality they are only reassuring themselves and their editors that they got some of the facts right.

The polls also show that optimism for either candidate is extremely low.

Barack Obama responded to this criticism by saying that such cynicism is typical of the crap he should expect from barely conscious meat puppets like yourselves, and if you think he’s some thin-skinned petulent spoiled child, you can go screw yourselves, because he doesn’t need to put up with that. LeBron wouldn’t.

Meanwhile, Governor Mitt Romney acknowledged that he seems to be incapable of inducing much enthusiasm among voters, but countered that he is only mere months away from assessing the degree of his personal underwhelmage with a multiphase report, in which he will define, measure, and analyze his warmth with a Pareto chart over sixty-one separate personality indicators, followed by a global improvement and quality control initiative encompassing several simulations intended to reduce voter dismay so that T has a χ² distribution with n – 1 degrees of freedom.

We wish them both a lot of luck.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.