SC: “I’ll take ‘The Rapists’ for $400, ‘Puter.” GP: “Uh, Mr. Connery? That’s ‘Public Sector Unions,’ but I can see how you’dmake that mistake.”

“I’ll take Obamanomics for $200, ‘Puter.”  This is how the nightmare always starts, seemingly innocent enough.  Soon, though, ‘Puter is transported into world where up is down, right is wrong and government jobs equal wealth generation.

Awakening from this Kafkaesque bete noir, ‘Puter stumbles to the keyboard bare-assed nekkid, where he sweatily bangs out this post with his stubby, nicotine stained fingers.

The New York Times‘ editors dutifully answering the White House’s call to explain away President Obama’s gaffe issued this howler of an editorial today: The Beleaguered Middle Class.  The editors ought to have titled their steaming pile of verbiage We’ll Say Anything Obama Tells Us To Say, No Matter The Reputational Cost. At least ‘Puter’s proposed title has the advantage of being true.

President Obama informed the nation’s assembled press luminaries on 8 June 2012 that:

The truth of the matter is that, as I said, we’ve created 4.3 million jobs over the last 27 months, over 800,000 just this year alone. The private sector is doing fine. Where we’re seeing weaknesses in our economy have to do with state and local government — oftentimes, cuts initiated by governors or mayors who are not getting the kind of help that they have in the past from the federal government and who don’t have the same kind of flexibility as the federal government in dealing with fewer revenues coming in.

And so, if Republicans want to be helpful, if they really want to move forward and put people back to work, what they should be thinking about is, how do we help state and local governments and how do we help the construction industry. Because the recipes that they’re promoting are basically the kinds of policies that would add weakness to the economy, would result in further layoffs, would not provide relief in the housing market, and would result, I think most economists estimate, in lower growth and fewer jobs, not more.

You see? If only Republicans would fund state and local government jobs that states admit they cannot afford, then the entire economic crisis would fade into nothingness, no more real than ‘Puter’s recurrent night terrors involving Joy Behar, a bushel of carambola and turpentine.

The New York Times, in its aforementioned weak attempt to cover The One’s rear end, lays it on thicker than a whore layering on pancake makeup to cover her sores, which, if seen, would render her “services” unmarketable. That’s a fairly apt, if graphic analogy, as the New York Times has proven time and again it’s nothing more than a cheap, convenient whore for Obama’s press flacks. Here’s what the Painted Gray Lady has to say for herself:

The layoffs will mean larger classes and an end to public prekindergarten in the city. Many special-education students will lose their mentors. A city where only 8 percent of the residents have a bachelor’s degree (compared with the national average of 28 percent) will fall further behind, largely because Pennsylvania’s Republican governor, Tom Corbett, chose not to find state money to replace $900 million in federal aid that ran out after the stimulus expired. Instead, he further drained his public coffers by cutting business taxes by $250 million this year.

Across the country, many states like Pennsylvania that happily accepted stimulus money to pay for existing employees are laying off those workers now that Congress has turned off the spigot. Over the last three years, at least 700,000 state and local government employees have lost their jobs, including teachers, sanitation workers and public safety personnel, contributing a full percentage point to the unemployment rate.

And this is why ‘Puter has nightmares.  People actually listen to the President and see his words affirmed in the New York Times, and believe them, despite the utter incomprehensibility and illogic of the ideas.

Here’s a few thoughts from ‘Puter’s childlike (childish) mind for the New York Times’ editors and their johns in the White House to chew on:

• States cannot afford the workers they have due to years of outsized pension and health benefits agreed to by compliant politicians by both parties, in exchange for public union reelection assistance. The New York Times admits as much in its editorial.
• Public workers generate exactly zero dollars’ worth of wealth.  Taxing money from “the rich” and giving it to public workers creates not one dime’s worth of wealth.
• Taxing “the rich” to retain unneeded and unaffordable public workers only drives “the rich” from the state in question, exacerbating the problem. Just ask Maryland and New York.
• If redistributing money from “the rich” to public workers truly worked, why not put everyone on the dole? Then our economy would surely be humming along.  Taking more and more from “the rich” is just as deadly to the economy as putting everyone on the dole at once, it just takes longer to die.
• When you take money from “the rich,” to pay for unnecessary, non-wealth-generating public workers, you prevent “the rich” from spending that money on hiring private workers who actually do generate wealth, which in turn increases taxable income, which means there is more money to pay for liberals’ overly-valued unnecessary public workers.

‘Puter’s not saying that public workers aren’t necessary. They are.  ‘Puter loves cops and firemen and (literally) teachers.  Just not as many as we have now, and not at the same compensation as we have now, and probably not in certain departments we have now.  Someone please, for the love of Pete, give ‘Puter one good reason to retain a “diversity officer.”  Anyone?  Anyone.  ‘Puter thought not.  Forcing government to live within its means may be painful in the short run, but it is a condition precedent to any real economic recovery.

Look at Europe, which is chock-a-block full of bureaucrats and people on the dole.  Pretty much everyone on the continent has a government job or is otherwise reliant on the government.  And how are they doing?  That’s right.  Aside from Germany and the tough-to-kill-as-a-cockroach British, they’re circling the bowl.  The flushing’s started, and it’s all over but for passing the u-bend.

‘Puter’s glad he got that off his chest.  Since ‘Puter’s wasted most of the night writing this, he might as well rouse Dat Ho and order him to commence delousing and depilating ‘Puter.

The Plateau of Leng’s zoning code enforcement officers insist ‘Puter be de-furred and free of critters once a year, minimum.  If Czar hadn’t negotiated this compromise, the zoning board never would have issued The Castle’s required zoning change to permit a multi-dimension, existing outside of time and space structure.

And, as we all know from the New York Times and President Obama, government workers are the solution to every problem, hairy or not.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.