Seeing The World Through White House Colored Glasses

Ah, New York Times. Is there no level to which you will not stoop to ensure President Obama’s reelection?

Witness the NYT’s reaction this weekend to quarterly earnings announcements from Wells Fargo and Chase, two of America’s largest banks. The NYT’s dutifully parrots the White House’s talking points, stating “Solid Results at 2 Banks Bode Well for the Industry.”

‘Puter thought to himself, “Gee, Self. Maybe things aren’t as bleak as your own eyes are telling you. Maybe there is something to this recovery of which the Obama folks speak.” Putting aside Mrs. ‘Puter’s NYT, ‘Puter moved on to his much-loved (and significantly more reality-based) Wall Street Journal.

Imagine ‘Puter’s relief to learn that the economy (and the banking industry) did comport with his expectations after all. That is, both the economy and the banking industry suck ass. (“Suck ass” is an economic term of art. Go use Teh Google if you want to know what it means.). The WSJ reported “Bank Earnings Worry Investors.”

Why the difference? Well, the NYT reported only the bottom line numbers, where both banks showed earnings that beat Wall Street’s targets. However, the WSJ dug a little deeper, noting that the only reason both banks hit earnings targets is because the banks shorted future loss reserves. That is, the banks are setting aside less money to cover projected future losses, making the current quarter look better, but endangering the banks’ futures. It’s the private sector equivalent of shorting public pensions. Better yet, it’s Social Security.

Two major newspapers reporting on the same two banks reporting earnings. The pro-Obama newspaper shamelessly spins the numbers to make Obama look good. The newspaper specializing in the financial industry reports the facts as they are.

There can be no serious question remaining as to the NYT’s status. It is a bought-and-paid for shill of the Obama Administration, effectively a cog in the Obama reelection machine.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.